Lost

Well today is yet another day. I am feeling overwhelmed today. Jen is very sick and I'm sure I'm catching it. I am trying to balance work and do as much as I can around the house so that Jen doesn't have to. However I feel like I'm failing at that task as I seem to be screwing up at work and not getting everything done around here. I ache all over and my chest has been hurting for about a week now. Not sure what is up with that, and I feel very weak and really have no energy to anything.
I am soooo worried about this child support stuff and hope that all goes well for me but I just don't know. On paper it looks good but my gut tells me that it's going to get ugly.
I really need some balance in my life and work. I hate that I feel like every thing I do at work is being scrutinized and there are people just waiting for me to screw up so that they can blast me. There doesn't seem to be a way that I can make it go right. It feels like for every good day there are 5 bad ones to go with it. I wish that I could find another job that would get out from under this type of scrutiny. I liked it better when I worked in Ocala and there wasn't anybody really caring what I did. Don't get me wrong, I did my job but I feel like my "teammates" don't like me and are just lying in wait for me. I'm hoping that once my CS is done with I can get away from this company and get a job that I actually like and is strictly 9-5 so to speak.

Some Feelings

Well it is another day here in Florida and we seem to back at the tensions with Debby. Jen keeps telling me that she doesn't feel like my wife and doesn't feel married. So I ask you how is that supposed to feel. As I have never really felt any different married over single. The main difference I feel is that when I was single it was like whatever. Now I do things for my wife and Tristin as they need them done and everything I do is for them and I think about them constantly. I wish I could understand what Jen is actually talking about and how she is supposed to feel being married as opposed to not being married. After all I'm a guy and as such don't really pay much attention to these feelings. Not sure if guys have these feelings or not. I'm just very sad that Jen and I have been married for almost a year and yet we have riding this rollercoaster of feelings. My feelings for Jen never change but she seems to go in good days and bad days. I'm not sure if the bad days coincide with her just giving up and refusing to ignore the bad in our pasts. I love her more than she will ever possibly know or could know. For me there is nobody else in this world that I want to spend my life with. She makes me happy and makes me smile and we have such great times together. Well it's time to leave for work, I will try to write more tomorrow when I'm off from work.

Visit

Well today is Sunday the 3rd of January 2010 and my best friend James is out visiting from Missouri. Well lets just say that he has aged better than me. We are having great fun and catching up on things and just enjoying each others company as we did when we were stationed together. It's been a little over 10 years since I last saw James. He is much grayer but pretty much the same. As we are visiting these past few days and exchanging our experiences and thoughts I am overwhelming struck by a sadness that my friend is deep down lonely and sad. I don't even know how many years he's been divorced now, much longer than me I'll bet. After some careful conversation I am finding out that he isn't much into dating and that past few "dates" he has been on have been disastrous as in the girls have turned psycho stalker on him. I can understand why he is cautious about women. On the outside things look sooo good, he as a new Mustang and a Jeep and big house with lots of toys and such however upon careful inspection one can't help but be overtaken by the loneliness that is all about him. Jen upon first meeting him was struck at how good looking he was but then after getting to know him has made the same observations that I have about him. With all that he has and has done there isn't anybody to share it with and grow old with. Everything he does is a solo event, sure he can call Jen and I and tell us about it but it isn't the same as having someone at home to share you life with. We have one of those electronic photo frames on the Kitchen table, we got it for Christmas and I quickly loaded it up with some of the photos Jen and I have taken over the course of our relationship and now marriage and as I look at the photos playing across it I come to realize that I am so much richer than James is, sure he has money and material things but he doesn't have somebody to share his life with. Before Jen I was in a one sided marriage which led to a divorce and then in a 10 year relationship that for all in tense purposes was nothing more than being roomates. There was never any of the feelings of fun, love and just a general feeling of knowing that you were made for each other. It was pretty much a sole existence as James is currently living. Now that I'm with Jen and we are raising Tristin and sharing a life together I am realizing how much of life I missed. I thank the lord every day for bringing Jen and I together. Jen is my wife, lover and above all best friend in the world. I don't know what I would do without her. To get back on track, I am saddened by what has become of my friend, I hope and pray that he can find that someone special to share his life with. Well it's off to work, later tonight James will be over and maybe he and I can have a serious talk of sorts.

New Year

Well the New Year is upon me and currently I'm very sad and not very happy at all. The thing that is bothering me the most is that Jen doesn't believe me when I tell her that I love her and that there is nobody else in this world that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She thinks that I'm going to leave her. Fat chance of that happening. I don't know what to do to make her understand and realize that I'm here forever. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. She thinks that I'm this magical guy and is great at everything and is just pretty much Captain Fantastic. Well I'm not, I've had to teach myself just about everything I know. I have failed at just about everything in my life, in fact until Jen my life was pretty much a failure and waste of time. There are many days that I wish I had never been born at all. Since I was child I have been pretty much shunned aside and just pretty much ignored by my family. Now that I'm adult, nothing has changed I'm still shunned and forgotten by them unless I can do something for them. With Jen for the first time in my life I'm accepted as a real person. I wish I could make her understand that but I never will be able to because she just doesn't listen to what I have to say. She thinks she knows how I feel and what I'm thinking, but she doesn't. Oh well another year of just being sad, maybe someday I will be happy. I have had many times of being happy with Jen but when she says things like that she makes me sad and unhappy and wishing I was never born.
It seems like we go from great days together to crappy ones. Yesterday was such a great day for us. I could actually feel her thoughts and love with me and all was right in the world and then today we seem to have fallen way back down the ladder again and she says things like so how much time before you leave me and you really don't love me, etc. I don't know what to say or do anymore. I love her with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I don't think she wants me. I just don't know anymore. She wonders why some days I'm sort of a stick in the mud well mostly it's because she has said something that I can't convince her otherwise that just isn't true and I'm frustrated and aggravated with her. Well I guess I'm going to go back to bed and just be sad since there isn't any real reason to be happy. Hopefully tomorrow we can have one of our good days and then I will be happy, however I doubt it. :(

Feelings

Well let's see where to start. Jen and I spent some quiet time together a couple of weeks ago and it was the greatest time we have had in a long time. We became even closer, though I didn't think it possible to get much closer. I am so connected to Jen on a level that I have never been connected to anyone before. We think and say the same things at the same time, and we do it more and more frequently. More so than random chance ever could be counted on. I have never been one to rush home from work even when I was married to the dragon lady and had the kids at home and certainly not since then except if I knew I was going to be alone in the house. I find myself rushing home from work just to be with Jen and T. When I'm home alone I wander from room to room and fidget alot not really sure what to do with myself. In the past I would have no trouble finding something to do at home alone, usually it involved a movie in surround sound very loud. Now I find myself not really wanting to get involved in watching a movie unless Jen is here with me. Also in the past I couldn't wait to get off to work and just be alone in my van and cruising around, now I hate going to work and just want to stay home. Things for me have really changed for the better since being with Jen. For instance other than an occasional drink I don't drink at all anymore, in the past it was not uncommon for me to finish off a fifth or larger of Cutty Sark whiskey or a big bottle of DiSorono or Baily's. There are occasions that I have the taste for a drink but don't really don't have the urge to have one. Another change is that I sleep through the night vice being awake at 1 or 2 am and then being up until about 430 or 5 am and then catching a cat nap until I went in to work. I would also go through a bottle of rolaids in about a week to 2 weeks now a bottle lasts me months. Plus let's not forget the headaches, I would chew migrain stuff like it was candy and now I only take some in a great while usually due to muscle strain in my neck. Yes my life has changed for the better. I know Jen can't understand it, as I was living in a big house, had money so to speak, etc. etc. but I only rented the house it wasn't mine and I had no hopes of ever owning it. As for money I didn't have that much as the bills didn't always get paid on time and then the electricity and cable were always getting shut off and we would have to pay a few hundred to get them turned back on. I never smiled or laughed and now I smile and laugh all the time (Jen doesn't think I smile enough or really at all but she really didn't see me before) All in all my life has gotten soooo much better that it isn't funny. I am finally with somebody that I love more than life itself and actually want to be with and I really can't stand being away from her. Hell I can't even sleep in bed if she isn't at least in the house. Before I could crawl in the bed and sleep just fine. A big change.
On a sad note my mom still isn't talking to me over what Tracy told her, even though I have tried to have her see it my way. For the past 2 years I have received no correspondence from her even though I have sent her a couple of letters. I think I'm going to sit down and draft another letter to her and hope that she will at least send me a return note. My sister isn't really talking to me either the only one who is corresponding to me is my brother Kevin and even that isn't with any regularity. In the end it's just Jen, T and I against the world.
Looking back at everything I wouldn't change anything and would do it all over again just to be with Jen. I have never known anyone like or had anyone make me feel the way she does. I love her with all my heart and soul, she is truly my soul mate.

Christmas

Well the Christmas season is upon us and again I'm very disappointed. I feel like I've let Jen and Tristin down. I can't get them anything I want to. I feel like I'm just a burden to them and I'm one of those guys that just spends all of Jen's money and then says oh well. I don't like asking for anything as it makes me feel bad. I love Jen and Tristin with all my heart and soul. We had a great weekend last weekend. Jen and I relaxed in bed and watched some movies and were able to reconnect with each other. Something we haven't really been able to do lately. Then yesterday it all came crashing down as we were overdrawn and since my ex gets most of my check it once again created tension between us. What confuses me is that one minute Jen says to let it go and just pay her and then she says "well when your reduction goes through" etc. . At this point I'm hoping and praying that it will go through. In the meantime Tristin and Jen are having to do without because of me. I don't like that at all. There is so much that I want for us but am unable to as I don't make enough and the hours that I have aren't conducive to a second job. I wish I knew where to turn. She tells me that I'm not a burden and yet I still feel like one, how do I overcome that? She also tells me that Debby will always be in my life. I don't think so, once child support is over I'm changing all the phone numbers and not giving them out. That part of my life is over and in the past and that is where it will stay is in the past.
On another note Jen is really troubled by my past. She is under the impression that I have slept with hundreds of women when in fact it probably doesn't equal 10 total. Yes I did sleep with a couple of women in Ohio when I was out there for training but that was maybe 3 women total. I keep telling her that I didn't go to Ohio as often as she thinks I did. I only went there about 10 times and like I said only had the 3. She is greatly troubled by this and I don't know how to put her at ease. Hopefully with time she will she that she has nothing to worry about. I love Jen with all my heart. After our talk last weekend I find it hard to believe that somebody else has pretty much had the same past as I had. Never good enough and pretty much taken for granted. She keeps telling me that I know everything. Well truth of it is what I know I've had to teach myself as there was nobody to teach me. What I've learned I've had to so that I could get by. Jen makes me out to be this great worldly person when in fact I'm just some guy getting by. Well enough for now I've some things to do around the house before I head out to work.

Still

Well just when I think things are starting to go good between us we each go to work and it all seems to fall apart during the day. Jen is currently feeling like she isn't good enough at anything at all. That is just soooo far from the truth it isn't funny. I wish Jen was more like me and just turn all that stuff off and just live in the moment and take each day one hour at a time, one day at a time. I keep telling her to keep the faith and that it will all work out eventually. However she doesn't see that and let's things keep getting to her and piling up. I'm not sure who has the right approach me or her. I love Jen with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her. However there are times when I feel that she doesn't share my feelings in this area and would rather just live alone with her and just Tman. I have never been so happy in my life as I have been this past year with Jen and Tristin. I have never laughed as much. I have completely stopped drinking all together and only have one in a blue moon. Compared to my fifth of scotch every 3 or 4 days I would say it's a great improvement.
Of course my mom still isn't talking to me and there isn't really much I can do about that. My nieces wedding is in 5 days and I will not be attending. I don't see how I can go back up there and just act like everything is alright when it isn't. In fact they have pretty much turned their backs on me and put me out of their thoughts and lives. The one that surprises me the most is my mom. I would have never thought my mom would do something like this to me, but I know she could do it to her "friends", I've seen it done. I have sent her letters all with no response whatsoever. Again for the 2nd year in a row no birthday card from my mom. To top it all off I have received no emails or cards or any other type of correspondence from anybody other than a birthday card from my brother and sister in a year. Yet they will profess how much they love me and how much they want me back in their lives when in fact it is them who have driven me from their lives. Oh well not much I can do about it. I have tried and they still refuse to and hide behind excuses so until they come around this is how it will be.
As far as me coming here to Florida with Jen and Tristin, I feel that it was the best decision that I have ever made in my life. I have a loving wife and son and a life that I have always dreamed about. Granted we aren't rich but we aren't poor either. I wouldn't trade my life here with Jen for anything or anyone ever. I have never felt and been so connected to anyone in my life as I am with Jen. We have the same thoughts and ideas at the same time and it's just not coincidence it happens more times than not. I am hoping someday that Jen and I can put all this CS and divorce stuff behind us and move on with our life together at a greater speed than we are doing now. Well it's getting late and I'm tired so I'm going to hit the hay, I will write more later on.