Lonliness

Well here we are again. Things had started to get better but then they took a real downward swing over the past few days. Of course the topic of CS is what is driving a wedge between us. Jen thinks that I don't care but I really do I am just a little slower and don't really show a lot of emotion on this topic as I have been dealing with it for over 10 years. This past weekend we went to her cousins daughter's birthday and walking around their house again she puts down her own house and is embarrassed by it. I keep trying to tell her that the house has had no work done to it in over 10 years and is overdue. However until CS is done it's a little hard to get stuff done around here.
Jen has some notion that if I don't make love to her every second then I don't love her and want her. How can I make her understand that is not the case. I love her and want her all the time however life gets in the way. I feel like one of those couples that is trying to have a baby and am under pressure to perform or else. The other topic that keeps coming up is my past. She seems to think that I have been with hundreds of woman and couldn't possibly want her. How do I make her understand that I have only been with maybe 8 women in my life. I'm not this guy that women go ooohh and ahhh over. Frankly I'm surprised that Jen likes me at all. Lately I feel like I'm the only one that is married and Jen doesn't really want to be married to me. I keep getting the feeling that Jen wishes that I would just go away. It's like when I was married to DB. That is the way I felt like I was unwanted and was intruding. I don't want to lose Jen for is that happened I'm pretty sure my heart and soul would be broken forever and would never be able to fixed. I love jen so bad that it hurts and when I feel her wrap her arms around me or just touch me I feel all warm inside. Without her I'm nothing and just passing the time away. I wish I could make her understand how I feel and what I feel. She keeps reading about and hearing about all these guys that cheat on their wives/girlfriends. Her cousins husband was just found out to be having an affair with a woman over 20 years his senior. Now he's moved on to some young chick. I keep telling Jen that to me marriage means something but she just keeps putting it down to all it is is a piece of paper with no real meaning. This really hurts me to think that marrying me was really no big deal and that someday she will be gone and toss me to the curb like an empty beer can like others have done. I'm in a house with people and yet I feel like an outsider and sort of in the way and not really part of anything. I'm not sure if anybody would really miss me if I were to die today. Certainly not my kids nor my family, not sure anyone would really care.
A couple of weeks ago Jen and I watched P.S. I love you and at the time felt totally heart broken if I were to die and see what Jen would go through, but now I'm not sure. I would probably be forgotten in about a 3 weeks. The thought of it really makes me sad and makes me want to cry for I'm just not that memorable to people. I keep trying to get the life I want but it always falls short. I thought I had found it with Jen but lately I'm not so sure. Our anniversary is coming up and she isn't the slightest bit excited about it. All she can say is why bother since my husband doesn't want me. I keep telling her that I do want her but she doesn't listen.
I'm trying my best to be a good husband and father but fear I'm just making things worse and one day Jen is going to wake up and say she wants out and for me to leave forever. which of course will devastate me. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. I wish I knew how. Well it's time for me to go and finish getting ready for work. Another sad day at work wishing all would work out so I could have the love of my life back again.