Lonely

Well today is the first day that I feel so utterly lonely and alone. Jen is shutting me out of her life and putting up this wall between us. I'm not sure how to break through it, at one time I thought I had broken the wall down but then with all this child support stuff the wall has come back up again. I try to pretend not to notice and act like there isn't a wall between us but it is getting harder and harder. In the old days I would just immerse myself in work or one of my hobbies or just plain veg out and have a few drinks until I was numb and no longer felt anything. Well not of that appeals to me. We are supposed to be taking Tristin to the zoo on Saturday and even though I'm hoping for a happy time I know there will be tension between us. Right now all I can do is trust in God to see us through this. Everything I try I feel doesn't matter or does no good. I keep sending her ecards and she doesn't even acknowledge that she got them unless I ask her. It's like she has given up on us.I miss Jen so much. I really miss the easiness we had with each other and how we just loved each other. Now I feel like she doesn't really care or really wants me around. We used to touch all the time and were pretty much inseparable but lately we hardly touch at all. I feel like I'm just marking days on a calendar instead of living the life I had just a few short months ago. I don't really have anybody that I can turn to for advice or just to let me vent so I am forced to keep it all bottled up inside. There are days that I just want to explode and say fuck it and run away but that wouldn't do any good. My heart is breaking more and more everyday and there seems to be nothing to stop it.I'm not even sure that it can be mended at this point, but I'm ever hopeful. I am trying to be a good dad to Tristin when Jen let's me. I'm trying to be a good husband but I seriously doubt that I am. I feel like a failure and just can't seem to do anything right. There are so many things that I want from life but I just can't seem to get them. I had a loving family here but now it seems that it is in jeopardy of being lost forever. I don't know what to do. I wish that all this child support stuff would resolve itself soon and I could just catch a break once in a while. All I can do is keep the faith that God will see me and us through this and we emerge a stronger couple on the other side. Well I've to go and dry my eyes and finish getting ready for work.