Well let's see sooo much to cover since I last wrote. My child support has finally ended. The only thing I have left is back support. We successfully got James's parental rights terminated. On the 25th of October we go foe the final hearing so that I will officially be Tristin's dad. I can't wait for that. Jen is going back to school to get her certifications for reading and language arts for middle school. Hopefully she will be teaching middle school next year.
We all got baptized a family a couple months ago. What a special day for us as a family. I am truly blessed to have the best wife and son in the world in Jennifer and Tristin. I thank the Lord every day for bringing them into my life.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Update
Monday, February 7, 2011
Update
Well I'm still here so I have decided to stay. Jen and I are back to talking again which is good. I wish I express to Jen how I feel about DB and other things but no matter what I tell her she doesn't believe me. One of the reasons I am a little apprehensive about going back to NH is that I really want to cut off all traces of my life before Jen and T. There is really nobody there that I really have to see. Yes I need to see my mom one last time.
After all this Child Support stuff is over with I don't want to hear about or heard mention or referral to DB, Matthew, Alexis, or Gregg. I don't care, they are responsible for driving a spike deep into my heart and forever severing all feelings toward them. To me they are dead and long gone. I wish it was different but DB has done a thorough job of that.
My only remaining hope is that Jen and I can live a life that we have both dreamed of for so long and raise Tristin as our child instead of her child. It saddens me that I fear that will never happen as somehow fate as determined that it's not in the cards for me. Not sure why but just the way I feel. I would love more than anything for Tristin to be mine but only time will tell if that happens or not. Well another day at the grind coming up. Why is it that whenever I have to head into work I always have this feeling of dread and foreboding come over me? Not sure why. I do know that once I'm off and get home my heart rejoices that I'm home with the woman I love more than life itself. I just wish she would understand how much I love her and just what she means to me. For most of my life I have been shit on and passed over and kicked down just so someone could feel more important or satisfy their agenda.
With Jen I have none of those feelings for the first time in my life I am sooo connected to someone on a level that I cannot even begin to explain. When we are apart my heart aches and all I do is think about her or some of the times we have shared together. She is my life and my one true reason for being.
Well it's time to head off to the evil place I will write more later on.
Jennifer if you read this I love you with all my heart and soul and every thing that I am and ever will be. I love you.
After all this Child Support stuff is over with I don't want to hear about or heard mention or referral to DB, Matthew, Alexis, or Gregg. I don't care, they are responsible for driving a spike deep into my heart and forever severing all feelings toward them. To me they are dead and long gone. I wish it was different but DB has done a thorough job of that.
My only remaining hope is that Jen and I can live a life that we have both dreamed of for so long and raise Tristin as our child instead of her child. It saddens me that I fear that will never happen as somehow fate as determined that it's not in the cards for me. Not sure why but just the way I feel. I would love more than anything for Tristin to be mine but only time will tell if that happens or not. Well another day at the grind coming up. Why is it that whenever I have to head into work I always have this feeling of dread and foreboding come over me? Not sure why. I do know that once I'm off and get home my heart rejoices that I'm home with the woman I love more than life itself. I just wish she would understand how much I love her and just what she means to me. For most of my life I have been shit on and passed over and kicked down just so someone could feel more important or satisfy their agenda.
With Jen I have none of those feelings for the first time in my life I am sooo connected to someone on a level that I cannot even begin to explain. When we are apart my heart aches and all I do is think about her or some of the times we have shared together. She is my life and my one true reason for being.
Well it's time to head off to the evil place I will write more later on.
Jennifer if you read this I love you with all my heart and soul and every thing that I am and ever will be. I love you.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Grrrrrrrr
Well it's been a long time since I wrote anything here. A lot has happened since my last post. The scars on my head have healed and now I can not wear a hat and not worry about people staring at me. That's the good.
Well let's see Christmas was great Jen, T and I had a great Christmas, I talked to my mom and T got to talk to his new Grandmother. Good day all around.
In the middle of January I called TN to get my arearage amount and found it was zero. Jen and I were just ecstatic. I even called them 4 more times to make sure. We then were sooooo excited that we could file joint taxes and much more back. Well we found that if we filed the same as last year we got more back. So we filed separate returns on the 2nd of Feburary. Plus I filed my return for 2009 thinking we were going to get all that money to use on the house and bills and for us.
Well the bottom fell out yesterday the 3rd. I got a letter from TN that says my arearage is over 5000.00 dollars plus they are going to be taking even more out of my check for the arearage. So I called TN and yes in fact my arearage is over 5000. I asked WTF. She couldn't see anything in the system that would indicate why it was as zero. So on Jan 29 they had sent a new withholding to the IRS so all that money that we were planning on will go to DB.
Needless to say Jen flipped out. So now Jen isn't really speaking to me except when she has to. I feel so alone and empty without her. I feel like I've lost my best friend in the whole world.
There is this wall between us that I don't know if it will ever come down or not. I've spent the morning crying and feeling so lonely.
Without Jen I'm nothing, she is what gives me life and keeps me going. Without her I would have given up long ago. She is my everything. Once again I feel like a stranger in the house, I feel like I'm intruding here. Not a feeling I like. Good thing today is my day off, that way I don't have to deal with people at all.
I have no one that I can talk to about all of this, the only friend I have is Jen and she isn't really speaking to me. James is in Afghanistan and unreachable and lately not very friendly at all, but that is another story.
At this point there is nothing I can say or do that will make things better. Once again DB has succeeded in popping up and ruining my life and wrecking everything I have worked for. I know God only puts as much on our shoulders as we can bear but I have pretty much reached my breaking point, I don't know how much more I can take.
For the first time in my life I have seriously thought about blowing my brains out and just being done with it. It's not a thought I have ever had before. I often wonder who would miss me if I was gone. I don't think anyone would really miss me. I'm sure at first they would but nobody would care after the first couple of months. I would be just another neglected and forgotten about gravestone in some graveyard somewhere and forgotten along with all the rest of dead.
My own kids don't care if I live or die, hell they don't even acknowledge I exist, instead they call Gregg dad and list him as his dad. Then there is Tristin, who is more my son than my own but he isn't mine and probably never will be. So my whole life has been a waste of time and not worth anything. I absolutely have nothing to show I was alive at all. Nothing to be remembered by or for. I'm just alone and will always be I guess. I wish I had never been born, people would have been so much better off and there would have been less hurt. I have really made things hard on Jen and T.
I know Jen and I said we would never divorce but it's not always up to you, sometimes it's decided for you and there is nothing you can do about it. I'm praying that Jen and I can fix this and get on with our lives and have the life we have both dreamed of for so long. Only time will tell. I miss Jen sooo much, I have no words that even begin to describe how much I I love her and miss her.
Well I'm going to close for now and hopefully write more later. If I don't write here again it's because I decided that everyone would be better off without me and it's my time to go home and be with Joshua and my Uncles.....
Well let's see Christmas was great Jen, T and I had a great Christmas, I talked to my mom and T got to talk to his new Grandmother. Good day all around.
In the middle of January I called TN to get my arearage amount and found it was zero. Jen and I were just ecstatic. I even called them 4 more times to make sure. We then were sooooo excited that we could file joint taxes and much more back. Well we found that if we filed the same as last year we got more back. So we filed separate returns on the 2nd of Feburary. Plus I filed my return for 2009 thinking we were going to get all that money to use on the house and bills and for us.
Well the bottom fell out yesterday the 3rd. I got a letter from TN that says my arearage is over 5000.00 dollars plus they are going to be taking even more out of my check for the arearage. So I called TN and yes in fact my arearage is over 5000. I asked WTF. She couldn't see anything in the system that would indicate why it was as zero. So on Jan 29 they had sent a new withholding to the IRS so all that money that we were planning on will go to DB.
Needless to say Jen flipped out. So now Jen isn't really speaking to me except when she has to. I feel so alone and empty without her. I feel like I've lost my best friend in the whole world.
There is this wall between us that I don't know if it will ever come down or not. I've spent the morning crying and feeling so lonely.
Without Jen I'm nothing, she is what gives me life and keeps me going. Without her I would have given up long ago. She is my everything. Once again I feel like a stranger in the house, I feel like I'm intruding here. Not a feeling I like. Good thing today is my day off, that way I don't have to deal with people at all.
I have no one that I can talk to about all of this, the only friend I have is Jen and she isn't really speaking to me. James is in Afghanistan and unreachable and lately not very friendly at all, but that is another story.
At this point there is nothing I can say or do that will make things better. Once again DB has succeeded in popping up and ruining my life and wrecking everything I have worked for. I know God only puts as much on our shoulders as we can bear but I have pretty much reached my breaking point, I don't know how much more I can take.
For the first time in my life I have seriously thought about blowing my brains out and just being done with it. It's not a thought I have ever had before. I often wonder who would miss me if I was gone. I don't think anyone would really miss me. I'm sure at first they would but nobody would care after the first couple of months. I would be just another neglected and forgotten about gravestone in some graveyard somewhere and forgotten along with all the rest of dead.
My own kids don't care if I live or die, hell they don't even acknowledge I exist, instead they call Gregg dad and list him as his dad. Then there is Tristin, who is more my son than my own but he isn't mine and probably never will be. So my whole life has been a waste of time and not worth anything. I absolutely have nothing to show I was alive at all. Nothing to be remembered by or for. I'm just alone and will always be I guess. I wish I had never been born, people would have been so much better off and there would have been less hurt. I have really made things hard on Jen and T.
I know Jen and I said we would never divorce but it's not always up to you, sometimes it's decided for you and there is nothing you can do about it. I'm praying that Jen and I can fix this and get on with our lives and have the life we have both dreamed of for so long. Only time will tell. I miss Jen sooo much, I have no words that even begin to describe how much I I love her and miss her.
Well I'm going to close for now and hopefully write more later. If I don't write here again it's because I decided that everyone would be better off without me and it's my time to go home and be with Joshua and my Uncles.....
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thoughts
Well here I am back to write a little more. It's been a while since I wrote anything. To bring things up to day I had my hearing with DB and actually won for once. My support got reduced and now Jen and I are trying to move forward with our lives. Yesterday I had surgery to remove the bumps on my head that I have been so self conscious about. There will be some scars but that is more preferable than the bumps.
So on another note I've been doing lots of thinking over the past few months about how my life has shaped up. I have come to realize that I am like a man without a past. I have none of the usual memorabilia that most people have. I have no high school year books, pictures of my childhood, no pictures from all my years and travels in the Navy. Most of that stuff has been lost over the years due to my trusting people to look out and be responsible for stuff. When I look back over my life I have nothing to show for anything. What really saddens me is that now that I have Jen and Tristin in my life and will be adopting Tristin I really have nothing to pass down to him as a keepsake. About the only things I have from the Navy are my medals and my dress white uniforms. I think my dress blues are at my mom's house. I wish I had taken better care of my stuff so that I could pass it all on to someone. Well at least I have something to pass on to him. Speaking of Tristin, he is such a great kid and I love him more than anything in the world. I can't wait until the day when I can adopt him and he will be mine. I know it must be hard for him to have a different last name and the fact that his own father wants nothing to do with him. I'm hoping that when the time comes he will still want me as his dad. He was so worried about me and my surgery the other day. I have never had anyone worry about me like Jen and T do. In fact nobody has ever really cared about me. These past few years here in Florida with Jen and T have been the happiest I have ever had in my life. I am looking forward to many more happy years with Jen and T. There are so many things that I want to do with them but until we can get some of the bills paid down they will have to wait. Hopefully soon we can work on the house and get it just the way we want. Jen thinks that I hate this house but I really love it, there are so many possibilities for us to do stuff with it. It reminds me of the house I grew up in up in New Hampshire. I have a lot of great memories from that house. The only thing I wish we truly had was a garage but I have plans to build a small workshop/barn in the backyard. Well I have to go for now and try to rest. I do get somewhat tired after a bit. I guess it's my body healing up.
So on another note I've been doing lots of thinking over the past few months about how my life has shaped up. I have come to realize that I am like a man without a past. I have none of the usual memorabilia that most people have. I have no high school year books, pictures of my childhood, no pictures from all my years and travels in the Navy. Most of that stuff has been lost over the years due to my trusting people to look out and be responsible for stuff. When I look back over my life I have nothing to show for anything. What really saddens me is that now that I have Jen and Tristin in my life and will be adopting Tristin I really have nothing to pass down to him as a keepsake. About the only things I have from the Navy are my medals and my dress white uniforms. I think my dress blues are at my mom's house. I wish I had taken better care of my stuff so that I could pass it all on to someone. Well at least I have something to pass on to him. Speaking of Tristin, he is such a great kid and I love him more than anything in the world. I can't wait until the day when I can adopt him and he will be mine. I know it must be hard for him to have a different last name and the fact that his own father wants nothing to do with him. I'm hoping that when the time comes he will still want me as his dad. He was so worried about me and my surgery the other day. I have never had anyone worry about me like Jen and T do. In fact nobody has ever really cared about me. These past few years here in Florida with Jen and T have been the happiest I have ever had in my life. I am looking forward to many more happy years with Jen and T. There are so many things that I want to do with them but until we can get some of the bills paid down they will have to wait. Hopefully soon we can work on the house and get it just the way we want. Jen thinks that I hate this house but I really love it, there are so many possibilities for us to do stuff with it. It reminds me of the house I grew up in up in New Hampshire. I have a lot of great memories from that house. The only thing I wish we truly had was a garage but I have plans to build a small workshop/barn in the backyard. Well I have to go for now and try to rest. I do get somewhat tired after a bit. I guess it's my body healing up.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Update
Well the CS hearing is over and I won and now all there is to do is wait until Tennessee gets off their asses and get everything filed and done with.
On the subject of Jen and I, things are going great with a couple of hiccups. I wish I could make her understand how I feel about her and how deep my love for her is. She has this idea that before her all I did was have sex and run around. When in fact that is far from the case. I told her about my past and everything that I have done and looking back I think I should have not told her anything about it but I didn't want our relationship to have secrets about each other. I wanted us to be upfront with each other from the getgo. Something I have never ever done before. I share everything with Jen. She has all my logons to everything and I hide nothing from her. In the past I never gave anyone my passwords or gave them unrestricted access to my stuff. Jen has unrestricted access to everything. I love her sooo much that it isn't funny. I wish I knew of a way to make her understand and see. Oh well it's because I'm a guy that I don't understand, in fact it's because I'm an over the hill guy who doesn't understand which makes things difficult.
On the subject of Jen and I, things are going great with a couple of hiccups. I wish I could make her understand how I feel about her and how deep my love for her is. She has this idea that before her all I did was have sex and run around. When in fact that is far from the case. I told her about my past and everything that I have done and looking back I think I should have not told her anything about it but I didn't want our relationship to have secrets about each other. I wanted us to be upfront with each other from the getgo. Something I have never ever done before. I share everything with Jen. She has all my logons to everything and I hide nothing from her. In the past I never gave anyone my passwords or gave them unrestricted access to my stuff. Jen has unrestricted access to everything. I love her sooo much that it isn't funny. I wish I knew of a way to make her understand and see. Oh well it's because I'm a guy that I don't understand, in fact it's because I'm an over the hill guy who doesn't understand which makes things difficult.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
A Saturday
Well here I sit at home alone while Jen and T head off to the Mother/Son dance at school. Lately I've been thinking about the past a lot. Mostly around the time I went into the Navy and how my life has transpired and things I've done and people I've known. I feel cheated about most of it. I wish it would have been Jen that shared all those years with me and was with me when things were up and down. As Jen and I progress through our live together I keep wondering how she would have acted given some of the situations of my life. I have never felt closer to anyone in my entire life. Even my own family I have never felt close to, not even growing up did I feel close to them. I always felt like an outsider and that I didn't really belong. The other day I was watching Top Gun and a lot of the scenes of the movie were filmed on a base that I spent my first years in the Navy on remember how when I graduated from boot camp or any of the other schools I completed I never had anyone from my family there. Even when my ship was commissioned (USS Harry S. Truman) nobody was there. I was married to DB at the time and she gave some excuse about being stuck in traffic and never made it to the ceremony. How typical of her. Nobody that I have ever been with has been excited about me in any way. Later on in life whenever I came home from work or was gone 2 weeks for school for work or even when I would return after a weekend of Seabee stuff would anyone greet me at the door and give me a hug and kiss and say "I'm glad you're home" Now here we are many years later in my life and hell I'm only gone to work for 6 hours and Jen and can't wait to greet me at the door with a hug and kiss or sometimes she comes out to the car and gives me a hug and kiss. Yesterday I came home and I could here Tristin yell "Keith's home yeah". When I was in Virginia my own kids were never happy when I would come home (Matt was Tristin's age now). I never got hugs and kisses from them or anything. I hear from Tristin all the time how much he loves me and misses me and I he hugs me all the time. I'm closer to Tristin that I have ever been to any kid before. I love him and Jen more than they will ever or could possibly know. I wish Tristin were actually my son instead of having a different father than me. I hope that someday I can adopt him and he will then have my last name and truly be a part of me.
I hope Jen and T know how much they mean to me and how they have really changed my life for the better. I was a pretty sad and unhappy individual before them. I was just counting days until I didn't know what and spending more and more time alone and away from home whenever possible. Now all I want to do is be at home and spend time with them and live my life with them. I hoping someday I can give Jen all that she wants and desires in this world. I have never felt closer to anyone ever, hell we even have the same thoughts at the same time so often it's scary. I wish I could have been with her and married to her all those years ago but I fear I wasn't ready for her. I think that I needed to be forged on the anvil of life to appreciate her and Tristin. It has taken me 45 years to find that one special person I know I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.
I mourn for my wasted youth and took for granted life but looking back I made a lot of huge costly and bad mistakes. I'm hoping that I have enough life left so that Jen and I can make up for them. I wish Jen would have been part of my youth back then but God knew that wouldn't have worked and we probably wouldn't have stayed together. How Jen and I met was so completely by accident and so far out in left field and then for us to come together and get married and succeed as a couple like we do is so far out that it's scary. In my life I have many, many, many regrets, when it comes to leaving Tracy and moving to Florida and being with and marrying Jen I have none at all and would do it in a heartbeat. She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. She has given my life purpose and restored my faith in love. She is my soulmate and above all a very special person who deserves the best in life. Jen I love you.
I hope Jen and T know how much they mean to me and how they have really changed my life for the better. I was a pretty sad and unhappy individual before them. I was just counting days until I didn't know what and spending more and more time alone and away from home whenever possible. Now all I want to do is be at home and spend time with them and live my life with them. I hoping someday I can give Jen all that she wants and desires in this world. I have never felt closer to anyone ever, hell we even have the same thoughts at the same time so often it's scary. I wish I could have been with her and married to her all those years ago but I fear I wasn't ready for her. I think that I needed to be forged on the anvil of life to appreciate her and Tristin. It has taken me 45 years to find that one special person I know I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.
I mourn for my wasted youth and took for granted life but looking back I made a lot of huge costly and bad mistakes. I'm hoping that I have enough life left so that Jen and I can make up for them. I wish Jen would have been part of my youth back then but God knew that wouldn't have worked and we probably wouldn't have stayed together. How Jen and I met was so completely by accident and so far out in left field and then for us to come together and get married and succeed as a couple like we do is so far out that it's scary. In my life I have many, many, many regrets, when it comes to leaving Tracy and moving to Florida and being with and marrying Jen I have none at all and would do it in a heartbeat. She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. She has given my life purpose and restored my faith in love. She is my soulmate and above all a very special person who deserves the best in life. Jen I love you.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Feelings
Well today here I sit with a lot on my mind. On May 18th I have a phone conference hearing about my child support. I have mixed feelings that this will go my way. I would like to think that someday I will catch a break and I can have my life. Of course with so much on my mind I haven't been myself lately and this too is weighing on Jen. She thinks I am unhappy with her which I am most definitely not. She also has this opinion that because we don't make love every day or every couple of days and I don't get hard in a second I'm not interested in her. Well I am interested in her but how do I explain to her that I'm not the sex demon she thinks I am. Truth in fact I love making love to her and don't want to make love to anyone else nor do I want anyone else sexually, I just want her. I just love the closeness of holding each other and being able to be in bed and cuddle and fondle without the expectation that it has to turn into sex. I'm not some young horny toad that gets hard when the wind blows or every nano second. I love Jen with all my heart and soul and everything that I am. I wish that I could get her to see that. What I see/want in people is different than what most people see. They only see what is on the surface, I look at what is down deep, what makes up a person so to speak. Well hopefully someday I will be able to get her to understand. Well I must go for now and check on the laundry.
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