A Saturday

Well here I sit at home alone while Jen and T head off to the Mother/Son dance at school. Lately I've been thinking about the past a lot. Mostly around the time I went into the Navy and how my life has transpired and things I've done and people I've known. I feel cheated about most of it. I wish it would have been Jen that shared all those years with me and was with me when things were up and down. As Jen and I progress through our live together I keep wondering how she would have acted given some of the situations of my life. I have never felt closer to anyone in my entire life. Even my own family I have never felt close to, not even growing up did I feel close to them. I always felt like an outsider and that I didn't really belong. The other day I was watching Top Gun and a lot of the scenes of the movie were filmed on a base that I spent my first years in the Navy on remember how when I graduated from boot camp or any of the other schools I completed I never had anyone from my family there. Even when my ship was commissioned (USS Harry S. Truman) nobody was there. I was married to DB at the time and she gave some excuse about being stuck in traffic and never made it to the ceremony. How typical of her. Nobody that I have ever been with has been excited about me in any way. Later on in life whenever I came home from work or was gone 2 weeks for school for work or even when I would return after a weekend of Seabee stuff would anyone greet me at the door and give me a hug and kiss and say "I'm glad you're home" Now here we are many years later in my life and hell I'm only gone to work for 6 hours and Jen and can't wait to greet me at the door with a hug and kiss or sometimes she comes out to the car and gives me a hug and kiss. Yesterday I came home and I could here Tristin yell "Keith's home yeah". When I was in Virginia my own kids were never happy when I would come home (Matt was Tristin's age now). I never got hugs and kisses from them or anything. I hear from Tristin all the time how much he loves me and misses me and I he hugs me all the time. I'm closer to Tristin that I have ever been to any kid before. I love him and Jen more than they will ever or could possibly know. I wish Tristin were actually my son instead of having a different father than me. I hope that someday I can adopt him and he will then have my last name and truly be a part of me.
I hope Jen and T know how much they mean to me and how they have really changed my life for the better. I was a pretty sad and unhappy individual before them. I was just counting days until I didn't know what and spending more and more time alone and away from home whenever possible. Now all I want to do is be at home and spend time with them and live my life with them. I hoping someday I can give Jen all that she wants and desires in this world. I have never felt closer to anyone ever, hell we even have the same thoughts at the same time so often it's scary. I wish I could have been with her and married to her all those years ago but I fear I wasn't ready for her. I think that I needed to be forged on the anvil of life to appreciate her and Tristin. It has taken me 45 years to find that one special person I know I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.
I mourn for my wasted youth and took for granted life but looking back I made a lot of huge costly and bad mistakes. I'm hoping that I have enough life left so that Jen and I can make up for them. I wish Jen would have been part of my youth back then but God knew that wouldn't have worked and we probably wouldn't have stayed together. How Jen and I met was so completely by accident and so far out in left field and then for us to come together and get married and succeed as a couple like we do is so far out that it's scary. In my life I have many, many, many regrets, when it comes to leaving Tracy and moving to Florida and being with and marrying Jen I have none at all and would do it in a heartbeat. She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. She has given my life purpose and restored my faith in love. She is my soulmate and above all a very special person who deserves the best in life. Jen I love you.