Grrrrrrrr

Well it's been a long time since I wrote anything here. A lot has happened since my last post. The scars on my head have healed and now I can not wear a hat and not worry about people staring at me. That's the good.
Well let's see Christmas was great Jen, T and I had a great Christmas, I talked to my mom and T got to talk to his new Grandmother. Good day all around.
In the middle of January I called TN to get my arearage amount and found it was zero. Jen and I were just ecstatic. I even called them 4 more times to make sure. We then were sooooo excited that we could file joint taxes and much more back. Well we found that if we filed the same as last year we got more back. So we filed separate returns on the 2nd of Feburary. Plus I filed my return for 2009 thinking we were going to get all that money to use on the house and bills and for us.
Well the bottom fell out yesterday the 3rd. I got a letter from TN that says my arearage is over 5000.00 dollars plus they are going to be taking even more out of my check for the arearage. So I called TN and yes in fact my arearage is over 5000. I asked WTF. She couldn't see anything in the system that would indicate why it was as zero. So on Jan 29 they had sent a new withholding to the IRS so all that money that we were planning on will go to DB.
Needless to say Jen flipped out. So now Jen isn't really speaking to me except when she has to. I feel so alone and empty without her. I feel like I've lost my best friend in the whole world.
There is this wall between us that I don't know if it will ever come down or not. I've spent the morning crying and feeling so lonely.
Without Jen I'm nothing, she is what gives me life and keeps me going. Without her I would have given up long ago. She is my everything. Once again I feel like a stranger in the house, I feel like I'm intruding here. Not a feeling I like. Good thing today is my day off, that way I don't have to deal with people at all.
I have no one that I can talk to about all of this, the only friend I have is Jen and she isn't really speaking to me. James is in Afghanistan and unreachable and lately not very friendly at all, but that is another story.
At this point there is nothing I can say or do that will make things better. Once again DB has succeeded in popping up and ruining my life and wrecking everything I have worked for. I know God only puts as much on our shoulders as we can bear but I have pretty much reached my breaking point, I don't know how much more I can take.
For the first time in my life I have seriously thought about blowing my brains out and just being done with it. It's not a thought I have ever had before. I often wonder who would miss me if I was gone. I don't think anyone would really miss me. I'm sure at first they would but nobody would care after the first couple of months. I would be just another neglected and forgotten about gravestone in some graveyard somewhere and forgotten along with all the rest of dead.
My own kids don't care if I live or die, hell they don't even acknowledge I exist, instead they call Gregg dad and list him as his dad. Then there is Tristin, who is more my son than my own but he isn't mine and probably never will be. So my whole life has been a waste of time and not worth anything. I absolutely have nothing to show I was alive at all. Nothing to be remembered by or for. I'm just alone and will always be I guess. I wish I had never been born, people would have been so much better off and there would have been less hurt. I have really made things hard on Jen and T.
I know Jen and I said we would never divorce but it's not always up to you, sometimes it's decided for you and there is nothing you can do about it. I'm praying that Jen and I can fix this and get on with our lives and have the life we have both dreamed of for so long. Only time will tell. I miss Jen sooo much, I have no words that even begin to describe how much I I love her and miss her.
Well I'm going to close for now and hopefully write more later. If I don't write here again it's because I decided that everyone would be better off without me and it's my time to go home and be with Joshua and my Uncles.....