New Year

Well the New Year is upon me and currently I'm very sad and not very happy at all. The thing that is bothering me the most is that Jen doesn't believe me when I tell her that I love her and that there is nobody else in this world that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She thinks that I'm going to leave her. Fat chance of that happening. I don't know what to do to make her understand and realize that I'm here forever. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. She thinks that I'm this magical guy and is great at everything and is just pretty much Captain Fantastic. Well I'm not, I've had to teach myself just about everything I know. I have failed at just about everything in my life, in fact until Jen my life was pretty much a failure and waste of time. There are many days that I wish I had never been born at all. Since I was child I have been pretty much shunned aside and just pretty much ignored by my family. Now that I'm adult, nothing has changed I'm still shunned and forgotten by them unless I can do something for them. With Jen for the first time in my life I'm accepted as a real person. I wish I could make her understand that but I never will be able to because she just doesn't listen to what I have to say. She thinks she knows how I feel and what I'm thinking, but she doesn't. Oh well another year of just being sad, maybe someday I will be happy. I have had many times of being happy with Jen but when she says things like that she makes me sad and unhappy and wishing I was never born.
It seems like we go from great days together to crappy ones. Yesterday was such a great day for us. I could actually feel her thoughts and love with me and all was right in the world and then today we seem to have fallen way back down the ladder again and she says things like so how much time before you leave me and you really don't love me, etc. I don't know what to say or do anymore. I love her with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I don't think she wants me. I just don't know anymore. She wonders why some days I'm sort of a stick in the mud well mostly it's because she has said something that I can't convince her otherwise that just isn't true and I'm frustrated and aggravated with her. Well I guess I'm going to go back to bed and just be sad since there isn't any real reason to be happy. Hopefully tomorrow we can have one of our good days and then I will be happy, however I doubt it. :(