Feelings

Well let's see where to start. Jen and I spent some quiet time together a couple of weeks ago and it was the greatest time we have had in a long time. We became even closer, though I didn't think it possible to get much closer. I am so connected to Jen on a level that I have never been connected to anyone before. We think and say the same things at the same time, and we do it more and more frequently. More so than random chance ever could be counted on. I have never been one to rush home from work even when I was married to the dragon lady and had the kids at home and certainly not since then except if I knew I was going to be alone in the house. I find myself rushing home from work just to be with Jen and T. When I'm home alone I wander from room to room and fidget alot not really sure what to do with myself. In the past I would have no trouble finding something to do at home alone, usually it involved a movie in surround sound very loud. Now I find myself not really wanting to get involved in watching a movie unless Jen is here with me. Also in the past I couldn't wait to get off to work and just be alone in my van and cruising around, now I hate going to work and just want to stay home. Things for me have really changed for the better since being with Jen. For instance other than an occasional drink I don't drink at all anymore, in the past it was not uncommon for me to finish off a fifth or larger of Cutty Sark whiskey or a big bottle of DiSorono or Baily's. There are occasions that I have the taste for a drink but don't really don't have the urge to have one. Another change is that I sleep through the night vice being awake at 1 or 2 am and then being up until about 430 or 5 am and then catching a cat nap until I went in to work. I would also go through a bottle of rolaids in about a week to 2 weeks now a bottle lasts me months. Plus let's not forget the headaches, I would chew migrain stuff like it was candy and now I only take some in a great while usually due to muscle strain in my neck. Yes my life has changed for the better. I know Jen can't understand it, as I was living in a big house, had money so to speak, etc. etc. but I only rented the house it wasn't mine and I had no hopes of ever owning it. As for money I didn't have that much as the bills didn't always get paid on time and then the electricity and cable were always getting shut off and we would have to pay a few hundred to get them turned back on. I never smiled or laughed and now I smile and laugh all the time (Jen doesn't think I smile enough or really at all but she really didn't see me before) All in all my life has gotten soooo much better that it isn't funny. I am finally with somebody that I love more than life itself and actually want to be with and I really can't stand being away from her. Hell I can't even sleep in bed if she isn't at least in the house. Before I could crawl in the bed and sleep just fine. A big change.
On a sad note my mom still isn't talking to me over what Tracy told her, even though I have tried to have her see it my way. For the past 2 years I have received no correspondence from her even though I have sent her a couple of letters. I think I'm going to sit down and draft another letter to her and hope that she will at least send me a return note. My sister isn't really talking to me either the only one who is corresponding to me is my brother Kevin and even that isn't with any regularity. In the end it's just Jen, T and I against the world.
Looking back at everything I wouldn't change anything and would do it all over again just to be with Jen. I have never known anyone like or had anyone make me feel the way she does. I love her with all my heart and soul, she is truly my soul mate.