Lonliness

Well here we are again. Things had started to get better but then they took a real downward swing over the past few days. Of course the topic of CS is what is driving a wedge between us. Jen thinks that I don't care but I really do I am just a little slower and don't really show a lot of emotion on this topic as I have been dealing with it for over 10 years. This past weekend we went to her cousins daughter's birthday and walking around their house again she puts down her own house and is embarrassed by it. I keep trying to tell her that the house has had no work done to it in over 10 years and is overdue. However until CS is done it's a little hard to get stuff done around here.
Jen has some notion that if I don't make love to her every second then I don't love her and want her. How can I make her understand that is not the case. I love her and want her all the time however life gets in the way. I feel like one of those couples that is trying to have a baby and am under pressure to perform or else. The other topic that keeps coming up is my past. She seems to think that I have been with hundreds of woman and couldn't possibly want her. How do I make her understand that I have only been with maybe 8 women in my life. I'm not this guy that women go ooohh and ahhh over. Frankly I'm surprised that Jen likes me at all. Lately I feel like I'm the only one that is married and Jen doesn't really want to be married to me. I keep getting the feeling that Jen wishes that I would just go away. It's like when I was married to DB. That is the way I felt like I was unwanted and was intruding. I don't want to lose Jen for is that happened I'm pretty sure my heart and soul would be broken forever and would never be able to fixed. I love jen so bad that it hurts and when I feel her wrap her arms around me or just touch me I feel all warm inside. Without her I'm nothing and just passing the time away. I wish I could make her understand how I feel and what I feel. She keeps reading about and hearing about all these guys that cheat on their wives/girlfriends. Her cousins husband was just found out to be having an affair with a woman over 20 years his senior. Now he's moved on to some young chick. I keep telling Jen that to me marriage means something but she just keeps putting it down to all it is is a piece of paper with no real meaning. This really hurts me to think that marrying me was really no big deal and that someday she will be gone and toss me to the curb like an empty beer can like others have done. I'm in a house with people and yet I feel like an outsider and sort of in the way and not really part of anything. I'm not sure if anybody would really miss me if I were to die today. Certainly not my kids nor my family, not sure anyone would really care.
A couple of weeks ago Jen and I watched P.S. I love you and at the time felt totally heart broken if I were to die and see what Jen would go through, but now I'm not sure. I would probably be forgotten in about a 3 weeks. The thought of it really makes me sad and makes me want to cry for I'm just not that memorable to people. I keep trying to get the life I want but it always falls short. I thought I had found it with Jen but lately I'm not so sure. Our anniversary is coming up and she isn't the slightest bit excited about it. All she can say is why bother since my husband doesn't want me. I keep telling her that I do want her but she doesn't listen.
I'm trying my best to be a good husband and father but fear I'm just making things worse and one day Jen is going to wake up and say she wants out and for me to leave forever. which of course will devastate me. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. I wish I knew how. Well it's time for me to go and finish getting ready for work. Another sad day at work wishing all would work out so I could have the love of my life back again.

Mom

Well it's been just about 2 years since I have heard from my mother and the other day I receive a "thinking of you" card from her. There were no handwritten words in it, just her signature. I have thought alot about this card in the days since receiving it and I'm not sure it was sent by her own accord. I think that my brother has really been putting pressure on her to mend the gap between us. I did send her a card today and in it I pretty much spelled out that I want Jen and Tristin accepted with open arms into the family. I don't think they will accept anybody right now or ever. Jen thinks it's her but in reality it doesn't matter who I was with it would have been the same outcome. Nobody in my family ever took the time to see how miserable I was or even asked how things are. After moving back to NH after being gone for about 16 years do you think that anyone of them would have said hey come over and let's catch up on what's new and just get together as brother and sister or brother and brother? Nope not at all. On my brother's account I don't hold anything against him as he has his hands full enough with my sister in law.
My whole life I have been like an outsider to them. Never really accepted or encouraged in anything I did.The only thing I did that my mom was proud of was join the Navy. Other than that I've been like the black sheep of the family. After and during my divorce did anyone ever call me up and ask how things were going and is there anything that they could do? Nope. It always has seemed to me that I was only around so that I could do things for them and when I'm not able to I pretty much get left out and ignored just like when I left home to join the Navy. I didn't receive any birthday cards, father's day cards, Christmas cards or such on any of those holidays while I was underway and on deployment. Hell I don't even nor have I ever gotten them from my own kids.
Until I met Jen and moved here with her did I get those types of cards and have that loving family type harmony that I have been longing for. Hell even her mom has accepted me into the family and she is the one person that has the greatest right to hate and resent me. It sucks going through life and having a family that you don't belong to and really doesn't give a rat's butt on whether you live or die and could really care less either way. Yet I'm supposed to be the forgiving one? My own niece wouldn't confirm me as a friend on FB until I called her out on it. She had accepted many other friend requests before I finally told her that if she didn't want to be a friend then just tell me so I could delete the request. I'm not so quick to run to them and forgive them this time. There was no reason for their behavior at all other than their own selfishness and pettiness .
I have the greatest most loving wife a man could ask for in the whole world. Her son Tristin is like my own and I love him more than my own kids. I enjoy and cherish each and every moment with them. I especially love the things we do together like going to the beach, the zoo, or just about anything we do together. Jen has really changed my life for the better and given me the life and love I thought only existed in the movies. The other day we watched P.S. I Love You and it was such a sad movie that I was crying through it as well because the thought of losing Jen is just more than I could ever handle. I would be devastated beyond all reason. If not for Tristin I would make sure I went with her just so I wouldn't have to be without my best friend and love of my life and keeper of my soul. Jen is everything to me more than she will ever know.

Lost

Well today is yet another day. I am feeling overwhelmed today. Jen is very sick and I'm sure I'm catching it. I am trying to balance work and do as much as I can around the house so that Jen doesn't have to. However I feel like I'm failing at that task as I seem to be screwing up at work and not getting everything done around here. I ache all over and my chest has been hurting for about a week now. Not sure what is up with that, and I feel very weak and really have no energy to anything.
I am soooo worried about this child support stuff and hope that all goes well for me but I just don't know. On paper it looks good but my gut tells me that it's going to get ugly.
I really need some balance in my life and work. I hate that I feel like every thing I do at work is being scrutinized and there are people just waiting for me to screw up so that they can blast me. There doesn't seem to be a way that I can make it go right. It feels like for every good day there are 5 bad ones to go with it. I wish that I could find another job that would get out from under this type of scrutiny. I liked it better when I worked in Ocala and there wasn't anybody really caring what I did. Don't get me wrong, I did my job but I feel like my "teammates" don't like me and are just lying in wait for me. I'm hoping that once my CS is done with I can get away from this company and get a job that I actually like and is strictly 9-5 so to speak.

Some Feelings

Well it is another day here in Florida and we seem to back at the tensions with Debby. Jen keeps telling me that she doesn't feel like my wife and doesn't feel married. So I ask you how is that supposed to feel. As I have never really felt any different married over single. The main difference I feel is that when I was single it was like whatever. Now I do things for my wife and Tristin as they need them done and everything I do is for them and I think about them constantly. I wish I could understand what Jen is actually talking about and how she is supposed to feel being married as opposed to not being married. After all I'm a guy and as such don't really pay much attention to these feelings. Not sure if guys have these feelings or not. I'm just very sad that Jen and I have been married for almost a year and yet we have riding this rollercoaster of feelings. My feelings for Jen never change but she seems to go in good days and bad days. I'm not sure if the bad days coincide with her just giving up and refusing to ignore the bad in our pasts. I love her more than she will ever possibly know or could know. For me there is nobody else in this world that I want to spend my life with. She makes me happy and makes me smile and we have such great times together. Well it's time to leave for work, I will try to write more tomorrow when I'm off from work.

Visit

Well today is Sunday the 3rd of January 2010 and my best friend James is out visiting from Missouri. Well lets just say that he has aged better than me. We are having great fun and catching up on things and just enjoying each others company as we did when we were stationed together. It's been a little over 10 years since I last saw James. He is much grayer but pretty much the same. As we are visiting these past few days and exchanging our experiences and thoughts I am overwhelming struck by a sadness that my friend is deep down lonely and sad. I don't even know how many years he's been divorced now, much longer than me I'll bet. After some careful conversation I am finding out that he isn't much into dating and that past few "dates" he has been on have been disastrous as in the girls have turned psycho stalker on him. I can understand why he is cautious about women. On the outside things look sooo good, he as a new Mustang and a Jeep and big house with lots of toys and such however upon careful inspection one can't help but be overtaken by the loneliness that is all about him. Jen upon first meeting him was struck at how good looking he was but then after getting to know him has made the same observations that I have about him. With all that he has and has done there isn't anybody to share it with and grow old with. Everything he does is a solo event, sure he can call Jen and I and tell us about it but it isn't the same as having someone at home to share you life with. We have one of those electronic photo frames on the Kitchen table, we got it for Christmas and I quickly loaded it up with some of the photos Jen and I have taken over the course of our relationship and now marriage and as I look at the photos playing across it I come to realize that I am so much richer than James is, sure he has money and material things but he doesn't have somebody to share his life with. Before Jen I was in a one sided marriage which led to a divorce and then in a 10 year relationship that for all in tense purposes was nothing more than being roomates. There was never any of the feelings of fun, love and just a general feeling of knowing that you were made for each other. It was pretty much a sole existence as James is currently living. Now that I'm with Jen and we are raising Tristin and sharing a life together I am realizing how much of life I missed. I thank the lord every day for bringing Jen and I together. Jen is my wife, lover and above all best friend in the world. I don't know what I would do without her. To get back on track, I am saddened by what has become of my friend, I hope and pray that he can find that someone special to share his life with. Well it's off to work, later tonight James will be over and maybe he and I can have a serious talk of sorts.

New Year

Well the New Year is upon me and currently I'm very sad and not very happy at all. The thing that is bothering me the most is that Jen doesn't believe me when I tell her that I love her and that there is nobody else in this world that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She thinks that I'm going to leave her. Fat chance of that happening. I don't know what to do to make her understand and realize that I'm here forever. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. She thinks that I'm this magical guy and is great at everything and is just pretty much Captain Fantastic. Well I'm not, I've had to teach myself just about everything I know. I have failed at just about everything in my life, in fact until Jen my life was pretty much a failure and waste of time. There are many days that I wish I had never been born at all. Since I was child I have been pretty much shunned aside and just pretty much ignored by my family. Now that I'm adult, nothing has changed I'm still shunned and forgotten by them unless I can do something for them. With Jen for the first time in my life I'm accepted as a real person. I wish I could make her understand that but I never will be able to because she just doesn't listen to what I have to say. She thinks she knows how I feel and what I'm thinking, but she doesn't. Oh well another year of just being sad, maybe someday I will be happy. I have had many times of being happy with Jen but when she says things like that she makes me sad and unhappy and wishing I was never born.
It seems like we go from great days together to crappy ones. Yesterday was such a great day for us. I could actually feel her thoughts and love with me and all was right in the world and then today we seem to have fallen way back down the ladder again and she says things like so how much time before you leave me and you really don't love me, etc. I don't know what to say or do anymore. I love her with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I don't think she wants me. I just don't know anymore. She wonders why some days I'm sort of a stick in the mud well mostly it's because she has said something that I can't convince her otherwise that just isn't true and I'm frustrated and aggravated with her. Well I guess I'm going to go back to bed and just be sad since there isn't any real reason to be happy. Hopefully tomorrow we can have one of our good days and then I will be happy, however I doubt it. :(

Feelings

Well let's see where to start. Jen and I spent some quiet time together a couple of weeks ago and it was the greatest time we have had in a long time. We became even closer, though I didn't think it possible to get much closer. I am so connected to Jen on a level that I have never been connected to anyone before. We think and say the same things at the same time, and we do it more and more frequently. More so than random chance ever could be counted on. I have never been one to rush home from work even when I was married to the dragon lady and had the kids at home and certainly not since then except if I knew I was going to be alone in the house. I find myself rushing home from work just to be with Jen and T. When I'm home alone I wander from room to room and fidget alot not really sure what to do with myself. In the past I would have no trouble finding something to do at home alone, usually it involved a movie in surround sound very loud. Now I find myself not really wanting to get involved in watching a movie unless Jen is here with me. Also in the past I couldn't wait to get off to work and just be alone in my van and cruising around, now I hate going to work and just want to stay home. Things for me have really changed for the better since being with Jen. For instance other than an occasional drink I don't drink at all anymore, in the past it was not uncommon for me to finish off a fifth or larger of Cutty Sark whiskey or a big bottle of DiSorono or Baily's. There are occasions that I have the taste for a drink but don't really don't have the urge to have one. Another change is that I sleep through the night vice being awake at 1 or 2 am and then being up until about 430 or 5 am and then catching a cat nap until I went in to work. I would also go through a bottle of rolaids in about a week to 2 weeks now a bottle lasts me months. Plus let's not forget the headaches, I would chew migrain stuff like it was candy and now I only take some in a great while usually due to muscle strain in my neck. Yes my life has changed for the better. I know Jen can't understand it, as I was living in a big house, had money so to speak, etc. etc. but I only rented the house it wasn't mine and I had no hopes of ever owning it. As for money I didn't have that much as the bills didn't always get paid on time and then the electricity and cable were always getting shut off and we would have to pay a few hundred to get them turned back on. I never smiled or laughed and now I smile and laugh all the time (Jen doesn't think I smile enough or really at all but she really didn't see me before) All in all my life has gotten soooo much better that it isn't funny. I am finally with somebody that I love more than life itself and actually want to be with and I really can't stand being away from her. Hell I can't even sleep in bed if she isn't at least in the house. Before I could crawl in the bed and sleep just fine. A big change.
On a sad note my mom still isn't talking to me over what Tracy told her, even though I have tried to have her see it my way. For the past 2 years I have received no correspondence from her even though I have sent her a couple of letters. I think I'm going to sit down and draft another letter to her and hope that she will at least send me a return note. My sister isn't really talking to me either the only one who is corresponding to me is my brother Kevin and even that isn't with any regularity. In the end it's just Jen, T and I against the world.
Looking back at everything I wouldn't change anything and would do it all over again just to be with Jen. I have never known anyone like or had anyone make me feel the way she does. I love her with all my heart and soul, she is truly my soul mate.