Feelings

Well let's see where to start. Jen and I spent some quiet time together a couple of weeks ago and it was the greatest time we have had in a long time. We became even closer, though I didn't think it possible to get much closer. I am so connected to Jen on a level that I have never been connected to anyone before. We think and say the same things at the same time, and we do it more and more frequently. More so than random chance ever could be counted on. I have never been one to rush home from work even when I was married to the dragon lady and had the kids at home and certainly not since then except if I knew I was going to be alone in the house. I find myself rushing home from work just to be with Jen and T. When I'm home alone I wander from room to room and fidget alot not really sure what to do with myself. In the past I would have no trouble finding something to do at home alone, usually it involved a movie in surround sound very loud. Now I find myself not really wanting to get involved in watching a movie unless Jen is here with me. Also in the past I couldn't wait to get off to work and just be alone in my van and cruising around, now I hate going to work and just want to stay home. Things for me have really changed for the better since being with Jen. For instance other than an occasional drink I don't drink at all anymore, in the past it was not uncommon for me to finish off a fifth or larger of Cutty Sark whiskey or a big bottle of DiSorono or Baily's. There are occasions that I have the taste for a drink but don't really don't have the urge to have one. Another change is that I sleep through the night vice being awake at 1 or 2 am and then being up until about 430 or 5 am and then catching a cat nap until I went in to work. I would also go through a bottle of rolaids in about a week to 2 weeks now a bottle lasts me months. Plus let's not forget the headaches, I would chew migrain stuff like it was candy and now I only take some in a great while usually due to muscle strain in my neck. Yes my life has changed for the better. I know Jen can't understand it, as I was living in a big house, had money so to speak, etc. etc. but I only rented the house it wasn't mine and I had no hopes of ever owning it. As for money I didn't have that much as the bills didn't always get paid on time and then the electricity and cable were always getting shut off and we would have to pay a few hundred to get them turned back on. I never smiled or laughed and now I smile and laugh all the time (Jen doesn't think I smile enough or really at all but she really didn't see me before) All in all my life has gotten soooo much better that it isn't funny. I am finally with somebody that I love more than life itself and actually want to be with and I really can't stand being away from her. Hell I can't even sleep in bed if she isn't at least in the house. Before I could crawl in the bed and sleep just fine. A big change.
On a sad note my mom still isn't talking to me over what Tracy told her, even though I have tried to have her see it my way. For the past 2 years I have received no correspondence from her even though I have sent her a couple of letters. I think I'm going to sit down and draft another letter to her and hope that she will at least send me a return note. My sister isn't really talking to me either the only one who is corresponding to me is my brother Kevin and even that isn't with any regularity. In the end it's just Jen, T and I against the world.
Looking back at everything I wouldn't change anything and would do it all over again just to be with Jen. I have never known anyone like or had anyone make me feel the way she does. I love her with all my heart and soul, she is truly my soul mate.

Christmas

Well the Christmas season is upon us and again I'm very disappointed. I feel like I've let Jen and Tristin down. I can't get them anything I want to. I feel like I'm just a burden to them and I'm one of those guys that just spends all of Jen's money and then says oh well. I don't like asking for anything as it makes me feel bad. I love Jen and Tristin with all my heart and soul. We had a great weekend last weekend. Jen and I relaxed in bed and watched some movies and were able to reconnect with each other. Something we haven't really been able to do lately. Then yesterday it all came crashing down as we were overdrawn and since my ex gets most of my check it once again created tension between us. What confuses me is that one minute Jen says to let it go and just pay her and then she says "well when your reduction goes through" etc. . At this point I'm hoping and praying that it will go through. In the meantime Tristin and Jen are having to do without because of me. I don't like that at all. There is so much that I want for us but am unable to as I don't make enough and the hours that I have aren't conducive to a second job. I wish I knew where to turn. She tells me that I'm not a burden and yet I still feel like one, how do I overcome that? She also tells me that Debby will always be in my life. I don't think so, once child support is over I'm changing all the phone numbers and not giving them out. That part of my life is over and in the past and that is where it will stay is in the past.
On another note Jen is really troubled by my past. She is under the impression that I have slept with hundreds of women when in fact it probably doesn't equal 10 total. Yes I did sleep with a couple of women in Ohio when I was out there for training but that was maybe 3 women total. I keep telling her that I didn't go to Ohio as often as she thinks I did. I only went there about 10 times and like I said only had the 3. She is greatly troubled by this and I don't know how to put her at ease. Hopefully with time she will she that she has nothing to worry about. I love Jen with all my heart. After our talk last weekend I find it hard to believe that somebody else has pretty much had the same past as I had. Never good enough and pretty much taken for granted. She keeps telling me that I know everything. Well truth of it is what I know I've had to teach myself as there was nobody to teach me. What I've learned I've had to so that I could get by. Jen makes me out to be this great worldly person when in fact I'm just some guy getting by. Well enough for now I've some things to do around the house before I head out to work.

Still

Well just when I think things are starting to go good between us we each go to work and it all seems to fall apart during the day. Jen is currently feeling like she isn't good enough at anything at all. That is just soooo far from the truth it isn't funny. I wish Jen was more like me and just turn all that stuff off and just live in the moment and take each day one hour at a time, one day at a time. I keep telling her to keep the faith and that it will all work out eventually. However she doesn't see that and let's things keep getting to her and piling up. I'm not sure who has the right approach me or her. I love Jen with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her. However there are times when I feel that she doesn't share my feelings in this area and would rather just live alone with her and just Tman. I have never been so happy in my life as I have been this past year with Jen and Tristin. I have never laughed as much. I have completely stopped drinking all together and only have one in a blue moon. Compared to my fifth of scotch every 3 or 4 days I would say it's a great improvement.
Of course my mom still isn't talking to me and there isn't really much I can do about that. My nieces wedding is in 5 days and I will not be attending. I don't see how I can go back up there and just act like everything is alright when it isn't. In fact they have pretty much turned their backs on me and put me out of their thoughts and lives. The one that surprises me the most is my mom. I would have never thought my mom would do something like this to me, but I know she could do it to her "friends", I've seen it done. I have sent her letters all with no response whatsoever. Again for the 2nd year in a row no birthday card from my mom. To top it all off I have received no emails or cards or any other type of correspondence from anybody other than a birthday card from my brother and sister in a year. Yet they will profess how much they love me and how much they want me back in their lives when in fact it is them who have driven me from their lives. Oh well not much I can do about it. I have tried and they still refuse to and hide behind excuses so until they come around this is how it will be.
As far as me coming here to Florida with Jen and Tristin, I feel that it was the best decision that I have ever made in my life. I have a loving wife and son and a life that I have always dreamed about. Granted we aren't rich but we aren't poor either. I wouldn't trade my life here with Jen for anything or anyone ever. I have never felt and been so connected to anyone in my life as I am with Jen. We have the same thoughts and ideas at the same time and it's just not coincidence it happens more times than not. I am hoping someday that Jen and I can put all this CS and divorce stuff behind us and move on with our life together at a greater speed than we are doing now. Well it's getting late and I'm tired so I'm going to hit the hay, I will write more later on.

Progress

Well it seems that Jen and I are making some progress. We had a wonderful weekend together and took Tman to the zoo. We have spent the last week or so just really trying to focus on us and not let anything undo what we have together. There are still some rough spots but we are smoothing them out and doing things to bring us closer together. A friend of ours who really doesn't know me at all and I've only known for about a year or said that Jen is exactly what the doctor ordered for me as he can see ( as well as lots of other people have said this as well) just how much in love we are and how much I love Jen. Well it's true I love Jen more than life itself. She is my one bright shining star that keeps me going and gives me purpose. She is everything to me. When we are together nothing else in the world matters. I love her with all my heart and soul.

Lonely

Well today is the first day that I feel so utterly lonely and alone. Jen is shutting me out of her life and putting up this wall between us. I'm not sure how to break through it, at one time I thought I had broken the wall down but then with all this child support stuff the wall has come back up again. I try to pretend not to notice and act like there isn't a wall between us but it is getting harder and harder. In the old days I would just immerse myself in work or one of my hobbies or just plain veg out and have a few drinks until I was numb and no longer felt anything. Well not of that appeals to me. We are supposed to be taking Tristin to the zoo on Saturday and even though I'm hoping for a happy time I know there will be tension between us. Right now all I can do is trust in God to see us through this. Everything I try I feel doesn't matter or does no good. I keep sending her ecards and she doesn't even acknowledge that she got them unless I ask her. It's like she has given up on us.I miss Jen so much. I really miss the easiness we had with each other and how we just loved each other. Now I feel like she doesn't really care or really wants me around. We used to touch all the time and were pretty much inseparable but lately we hardly touch at all. I feel like I'm just marking days on a calendar instead of living the life I had just a few short months ago. I don't really have anybody that I can turn to for advice or just to let me vent so I am forced to keep it all bottled up inside. There are days that I just want to explode and say fuck it and run away but that wouldn't do any good. My heart is breaking more and more everyday and there seems to be nothing to stop it.I'm not even sure that it can be mended at this point, but I'm ever hopeful. I am trying to be a good dad to Tristin when Jen let's me. I'm trying to be a good husband but I seriously doubt that I am. I feel like a failure and just can't seem to do anything right. There are so many things that I want from life but I just can't seem to get them. I had a loving family here but now it seems that it is in jeopardy of being lost forever. I don't know what to do. I wish that all this child support stuff would resolve itself soon and I could just catch a break once in a while. All I can do is keep the faith that God will see me and us through this and we emerge a stronger couple on the other side. Well I've to go and dry my eyes and finish getting ready for work.

On Alert

Well Friday is approaching and James has made some veiled threats in our direction that he is going to try to take Tman. Of course it goes without saying that he might try to come to the house and cause some trouble. Well as a consequence we have alerted the police in town and we are going to send Tman away from the house for the weekend. He won't be going to Jen's dad as this is a prime place for James to go as Jen's dad is sympathetic to him and would let him do what he wants. As James has already proven that he is prone to violence I have checked out all the guns and ensured that they are in good working order and loaded and ready to go. I wouldn't put it past the psycho to come by the house and try something. Last time he was here and thought Jen was alone he pulled out all the phone lines from the box on the outside of the house and pushed the front door in. Of course she wasn't alone there were others here so he just gathered some things and left. I don't relish the thought of doing what I need to do to protect my family but make no mistake I will do what I need to do to protect them from harm.

Feelings

Well today I have many feelings about life. Mostly today I feel sadness and a feeling of fighting an ever mounting tide against me. Lately Jen and I have sort of grown apart due to issues we each are facing. In her case she can't seem to get a dime from her ex. In my case I can't seem to get a reduction and review and yet I am still paying for a child that no longer lives at home. Not to mention the resentment Jen feels towards the situation. Unfortunately it seems to be increasing this huge gap that is growing between us. I'm not sure how to close the gap and keep my marriage from failing. I love Jen with all my heart, soul and everything that I am. I'm hoping that God can help us mend this and bring us back to where we started out. A lot of this comes from my exwife who planted a great seed of hopelessness, doubt, resentment into Jen. Now Jen is trying to fight it off, somedays she does better than others but other days you can see how much of a toll it is taking on her. I keep trying to reassure her that all will be well and all the Douche Bag said was meant to do exactly what is happening. My ex would like nothing better than for me to be unhappy, miserable and alone. I keep telling Jen that we need to try and put this behind us and move on and keep it in the past but that is all easier said than done. Especially when I have a reminder every 2 weeks. I wish for once that I could catch a break and things like this would go my way. I have to trust in God and the plan he has laid for each of us. I love Jen more than I have ever loved anybody in my life. There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't think about her and our life together and where we hope to be one day. Currently we are taking it one day at a time. However that is very hard when you have people on welfare that are living better than you are and just keep telling the world how great life is when their life is because I'm paying for it. I hate excuses from people that things are like this or like that when in fact it is all due to the fact that they are lazy and would rather let others pay for them instead of picking up the check themselves.
Jen and I had a good night, better than we have had in a long time. I am hoping that we can grow back together and become the strong couple that we once were. I am confident that we can but we must be patient. Which is something that isn't easy for Jen or I, we want immediate results. Right now the only thing that is keeping us together is our deep love for one another and our combined love for Tristin who is an innocent bystander in all of this. He is such a great kid that I can't even begin to tell you how great he is or how much I love him. I wish that he were my child and not somebody elses. I do think of him as my own and treat him like my own most time I don't think that he isn't except when pointed out to me by somebody. A father would be proud to have a son like him and I am proud that he thinks of me as his dad.
With time I'm sure that all will be well and we will look back on these days as the darkest in our relationship and use them to build from. However right now it doesn't seem that way. I know there are people out there that have it worse than we do. My friend Davina for one is also going through some dark times as well. All we can do is take one day at a time and prepare for the rain that God will grant us to make us prosper and grow.