Lonely

Well today is the first day that I feel so utterly lonely and alone. Jen is shutting me out of her life and putting up this wall between us. I'm not sure how to break through it, at one time I thought I had broken the wall down but then with all this child support stuff the wall has come back up again. I try to pretend not to notice and act like there isn't a wall between us but it is getting harder and harder. In the old days I would just immerse myself in work or one of my hobbies or just plain veg out and have a few drinks until I was numb and no longer felt anything. Well not of that appeals to me. We are supposed to be taking Tristin to the zoo on Saturday and even though I'm hoping for a happy time I know there will be tension between us. Right now all I can do is trust in God to see us through this. Everything I try I feel doesn't matter or does no good. I keep sending her ecards and she doesn't even acknowledge that she got them unless I ask her. It's like she has given up on us.I miss Jen so much. I really miss the easiness we had with each other and how we just loved each other. Now I feel like she doesn't really care or really wants me around. We used to touch all the time and were pretty much inseparable but lately we hardly touch at all. I feel like I'm just marking days on a calendar instead of living the life I had just a few short months ago. I don't really have anybody that I can turn to for advice or just to let me vent so I am forced to keep it all bottled up inside. There are days that I just want to explode and say fuck it and run away but that wouldn't do any good. My heart is breaking more and more everyday and there seems to be nothing to stop it.I'm not even sure that it can be mended at this point, but I'm ever hopeful. I am trying to be a good dad to Tristin when Jen let's me. I'm trying to be a good husband but I seriously doubt that I am. I feel like a failure and just can't seem to do anything right. There are so many things that I want from life but I just can't seem to get them. I had a loving family here but now it seems that it is in jeopardy of being lost forever. I don't know what to do. I wish that all this child support stuff would resolve itself soon and I could just catch a break once in a while. All I can do is keep the faith that God will see me and us through this and we emerge a stronger couple on the other side. Well I've to go and dry my eyes and finish getting ready for work.

On Alert

Well Friday is approaching and James has made some veiled threats in our direction that he is going to try to take Tman. Of course it goes without saying that he might try to come to the house and cause some trouble. Well as a consequence we have alerted the police in town and we are going to send Tman away from the house for the weekend. He won't be going to Jen's dad as this is a prime place for James to go as Jen's dad is sympathetic to him and would let him do what he wants. As James has already proven that he is prone to violence I have checked out all the guns and ensured that they are in good working order and loaded and ready to go. I wouldn't put it past the psycho to come by the house and try something. Last time he was here and thought Jen was alone he pulled out all the phone lines from the box on the outside of the house and pushed the front door in. Of course she wasn't alone there were others here so he just gathered some things and left. I don't relish the thought of doing what I need to do to protect my family but make no mistake I will do what I need to do to protect them from harm.

Feelings

Well today I have many feelings about life. Mostly today I feel sadness and a feeling of fighting an ever mounting tide against me. Lately Jen and I have sort of grown apart due to issues we each are facing. In her case she can't seem to get a dime from her ex. In my case I can't seem to get a reduction and review and yet I am still paying for a child that no longer lives at home. Not to mention the resentment Jen feels towards the situation. Unfortunately it seems to be increasing this huge gap that is growing between us. I'm not sure how to close the gap and keep my marriage from failing. I love Jen with all my heart, soul and everything that I am. I'm hoping that God can help us mend this and bring us back to where we started out. A lot of this comes from my exwife who planted a great seed of hopelessness, doubt, resentment into Jen. Now Jen is trying to fight it off, somedays she does better than others but other days you can see how much of a toll it is taking on her. I keep trying to reassure her that all will be well and all the Douche Bag said was meant to do exactly what is happening. My ex would like nothing better than for me to be unhappy, miserable and alone. I keep telling Jen that we need to try and put this behind us and move on and keep it in the past but that is all easier said than done. Especially when I have a reminder every 2 weeks. I wish for once that I could catch a break and things like this would go my way. I have to trust in God and the plan he has laid for each of us. I love Jen more than I have ever loved anybody in my life. There isn't a moment that goes by that I don't think about her and our life together and where we hope to be one day. Currently we are taking it one day at a time. However that is very hard when you have people on welfare that are living better than you are and just keep telling the world how great life is when their life is because I'm paying for it. I hate excuses from people that things are like this or like that when in fact it is all due to the fact that they are lazy and would rather let others pay for them instead of picking up the check themselves.
Jen and I had a good night, better than we have had in a long time. I am hoping that we can grow back together and become the strong couple that we once were. I am confident that we can but we must be patient. Which is something that isn't easy for Jen or I, we want immediate results. Right now the only thing that is keeping us together is our deep love for one another and our combined love for Tristin who is an innocent bystander in all of this. He is such a great kid that I can't even begin to tell you how great he is or how much I love him. I wish that he were my child and not somebody elses. I do think of him as my own and treat him like my own most time I don't think that he isn't except when pointed out to me by somebody. A father would be proud to have a son like him and I am proud that he thinks of me as his dad.
With time I'm sure that all will be well and we will look back on these days as the darkest in our relationship and use them to build from. However right now it doesn't seem that way. I know there are people out there that have it worse than we do. My friend Davina for one is also going through some dark times as well. All we can do is take one day at a time and prepare for the rain that God will grant us to make us prosper and grow.

Stuff

Well yesterday I got an unexpected phone call from the Governor's office in Tennessee and they are investigating my claims about the firm handeling my CSE case. I also heard back from my case worker in Virgina and they aren't returning his phone call either. I filed for my review back in the beginning of May and here it is almost September and still no action. Jen and I are pretty much fed up and disgusted with the whole Child Support system as a whole. I can't get mine modified as my oldest has turned 18. She can't get a dime for son from a cowardly blob of flesh that is Tristin's father. He intentionally quit his job just so he doesn't have to pay. On the other hand you have my ex that makes about 60k per year plus her husband makes almost 90k and yet she is still pleading poverty and wants more and more money. I'm not sure who to write to next to get some action but I am looking into who else I can contact to get some action. At some point I'm hoping that the system will start to work in Jen's case and my review will get processed hopefully before I've retired.

My Wife

Well let's see where to start about my wife. She is the best thing to ever happen to me. I never thought it possible to be soo in love with somebody, as I am with her, she is so amazing. I have never met anybody that makes me feel like I do when I'm with her. When I'm with her all I want to do is touch her and be near her. Whenever I'm home alone and she isn't here I feel lost and just wander around the house aimlessly. We just seem to fit together if you know what I mean. It's like we were meant for each other. When we are in each other's arms it's like there is nothing wrong in the world and all is right. She is truly the love of my life and the apple of my eye. We have been married for a little over 4 months and it seems like we have been together forever, not in a bad way but in a way like when you know it's supposed to be. I have always thought couples in love were supposed to feel this way. I have been in 2 relationships that never felt right and always left me feeling empty. Now that Jen and I are together I feel like the richest man in the world. I had a boss once that told me that he looked forward to going home to his wife each and every day and that there was no place he would rather be than with her. I remember feeling at the time a feeling of jealousy because I have never felt like that ever. Well now I have a woman that I want to be with 24/7 if I could. I just love feeling her lying in my arms or us just lying on the couch watching tv or walking hand in hand at the mall or the supermarket. She is truly my soulmate, best friend and true love. I love her with all my heart and soul. I do on one hand feel cheated that I wasted most of my life finding her but like she says we weren't ready for each other and we each had to endure our pasts to be where we are today. Did I mention that she is incredibly smart, funny, profound, pretty and well she just turns me on soo much. There is no place I want to be but with her and there is nobody else in the world I want to be with but her. Jen you are the love of my life and my best friend in the whole world I love you with all my heart.

Life in General

Well today as I sit here at my computer I am struck with some thoughts of my family in New Hampshire. A year ago I decided to follow my heart and come to Florida and spend the rest of my life with a wonderful woman who has taught me that true love does exist and loves me unconditionally. Of course that decision wasn't popular with all of my family. Initially my mom was all for the idea but as time grew closer it became a worse idea, my sister never liked the idea, my brother and brother in law were both for it and knew that I really needed to make this move. Well it has been almost a year since I moved here and to this day I have had very little contact with my family at all. My mom isn't talking to me at all, in fact there have been no cards on the usual special occasions like birthday, Christmas, Father's day, etc. I did get gifts from my sister and brother. Recently I have sent her two letters explaining everything and telling her what really happened. It seems my ex told my mom I met Jen online which isn't true, but yet that is exactly where she met her new boyfriend. Well according to my sister my mom still misses me and loves me and wants me back in her life, however I have received no letters, cards or any correspondence whatsoever. I haven't even received and email from my sister. I did receive one from my brother and tried to talk to him about it but he says it's between my mom and I. All of this leaves me with a lot of doubting as to whether they actually love me or are just saying that because it's expected. Until I met Jen I never felt anybody truly loved me or gave a damn about me at all. So I don't know what to think.
I always thought families were supposed to stand behind you no matter what and love you no matter what and take your side over everybody. Well I guess that just isn't true in this case. I have never felt like I belonged with them , I have always felt like the outsider. Maybe it's because I have always thought on my own. I moved out when I was 18 and then joined the Navy at 21 and lived in Virginia until 2000. I moved back to NH in 2001 but it never felt like home even though I grew up there. When I visited Jen in June of last year and as we traveled around I felt like I was home, a feeling I haven't had in over 10 years.
Well it's been a few days since I started this post so let me see if I can capture my thoughts again. I was just doing the dishes and thinking about my family up in NH and some of the things that have been said over the past year. Well where to start let's see, they haven't actually acted friendly enough for Jen to feel comfortable and I already know what they will say when I bring this point up. They will say that they don't know her, but have they even tried ? No they haven't tried at all. I have prayed to God that he will help me fix this but I don't think that my Mom is really willing to make all this better. I was hoping that this could be resolved before my mom passes on but I fear she won't help resolve this at all. She is choosing to hold on to her hate and anger to the end. I keep being struck at how distant I have become from my family over the years even though I lived near them. Nothing I have ever done has really met with any real approval. We don't share the same views, and thoughts that most families share. In essence we are very different people. I'm not really sure that we will ever be truly over this as a family, as they choose to inject their feelings on a situation that really doesn't involve their feelings, other than to like or dislike Jen and Tristin. Out of all my family only my brother in law has truly supported me without any thought and for this I am thankful. I was hoping that my brother and sister would get fed up with my mom's behavior and set her straight but alas it isn't to be. Well only time will tell if they are truly willing to accept and move on past this and except two new exceptional, loving, smart members to the family.
On contrast to all of this is Jen's family. Her mom is very bitter about her own failed relationships and marriages and the circumstances surrounding Jen's separation and divorce from James. In reality her mom has no reason to accept me into the family without anger and malice but yet Jen's whole family and relatives have been nothing short of spectacular, accepting and loving of the whole situation. Especially where Tristin is concerned. They are very loving and have accepted me into the family with open arms. Jen's mom especially has taken me in and seems to love me(of course the oatmeal raisen cookies didn't hurt). She even introduces me as her son in law when she could very easily introduce me as either Keith or Jen's husband. I wish that my family could take a lesson from them and realize that they are being just plain ridiculous about all of this. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry but that would do no good at all and doesn't accomplish much. But alas it's not like I haven't been down this road before. Something very similar happened with my ex wife, after we got married I didn't speak to my family for almost 3 years and even when we did start talking it wasn't much.
I am soooo tired of hearing how much they really care for me and wish me the best and all the other crap and yet I haven't received one single email, letter, card or any other correspondence. So it all really makes me wonder WTF. So as I sit and write this post I am struck at how mysterious God moves and how close to the vest he keeps his plan for each of us. I look back at how Jen and I met and how our relationship has evolved and prospered. We each come from different backgrounds and not to mention different walks of life but here we are. Did God see that Jen needed a loving, devoted husband and Tristin needed a loving dad or was it that he saw what I had become and was about to become and decided that I needed a change and a loving family to save me from drinking and myself destruction? Or was it all of that? Only he knows for sure, and he doesn't tell. I do know that Jen has restored my faith in love and marriage, a faith that was ripped away from me and crushed before my very eyes. Being married to Jen has reminded me of what is truly important in life and what isn't. One day Tristin asked me how much money makes one rich, I replied to him that you don't need money to be rich. Rich is what you make of it. I told him that I had a loving wife (his mom) a loving son (him) and we were all healthy and we were a family then we had riches that are beyond the grasp of many people. I thank God everyday for bringing Jen and Tristin into my life and providing me with an oppurtunity to be the loving husband and dad that I have always wanted to be. I love them with all my heart and soul. They are truly my life and world.

Father's Day

Well today is Fathers day and for the first time ever I actually feel like a father. I got divorced when my kids were small, my son was 8 and my daughter was 5. Even then my then wife never did things for me on Father's day, never really got any cards or gifts or any of the other traditional things you would expect on Father's day. Over the years they never sent me anything for Father's Day, Birthday, or any other holiday. As their mom has always wanted me out of their lives. Well later on I moved in with Tracy and her 4 kids and we were together for 10 years and even they didn't really treat me as their dad. No Father's Day cards or gifts or even wish me a happy Father's Day. Just before we split Tracy told me that the reason she never got me anything for Father's Day was because she didn't know what to get me. Well shit all you had to do was look around the house and you could get ideas everywhere. For instance in the living room I had my collection of over 500 DVD s. She could have gotten me a gift card to a movie store, I love guns and reloading as gift card to my favorite online gun supply store, or even a Cabelas one or one to Walmart . In all my life I have never had a significant other (girlfriend or wife) that has made me feel loved as Jen does. Even though this year money is a little tight and I have to wait for my gift it has been by far the most satisfying Father's Day I have ever had. Tristin my step son (even though he is more my son than my own) as adopted me as his dad. If you read my earlier post then you will know why. Both Jen and Tristin sent me a Father's Day card online, even Jen's mom and her husband Ralph wished me a happy Father's Day. Like I said earlier I have to say that this has been the best Father's Day ever. Not because of cards, gifts or anything material like that. It's all because I am for the first time treated as a Dad and not just as a guy or wallet as I have been in the past. Jen and Tristin I love you guys more than anything in the world and thank you for accepting me into your lives and letting me be not only a husband to you Jen but also a Dad to Tristin since his own father just chooses to ignore him. Here's to many more happy days and memories together.