Well here I am back to write a little more. It's been a while since I wrote anything. To bring things up to day I had my hearing with DB and actually won for once. My support got reduced and now Jen and I are trying to move forward with our lives. Yesterday I had surgery to remove the bumps on my head that I have been so self conscious about. There will be some scars but that is more preferable than the bumps.
So on another note I've been doing lots of thinking over the past few months about how my life has shaped up. I have come to realize that I am like a man without a past. I have none of the usual memorabilia that most people have. I have no high school year books, pictures of my childhood, no pictures from all my years and travels in the Navy. Most of that stuff has been lost over the years due to my trusting people to look out and be responsible for stuff. When I look back over my life I have nothing to show for anything. What really saddens me is that now that I have Jen and Tristin in my life and will be adopting Tristin I really have nothing to pass down to him as a keepsake. About the only things I have from the Navy are my medals and my dress white uniforms. I think my dress blues are at my mom's house. I wish I had taken better care of my stuff so that I could pass it all on to someone. Well at least I have something to pass on to him. Speaking of Tristin, he is such a great kid and I love him more than anything in the world. I can't wait until the day when I can adopt him and he will be mine. I know it must be hard for him to have a different last name and the fact that his own father wants nothing to do with him. I'm hoping that when the time comes he will still want me as his dad. He was so worried about me and my surgery the other day. I have never had anyone worry about me like Jen and T do. In fact nobody has ever really cared about me. These past few years here in Florida with Jen and T have been the happiest I have ever had in my life. I am looking forward to many more happy years with Jen and T. There are so many things that I want to do with them but until we can get some of the bills paid down they will have to wait. Hopefully soon we can work on the house and get it just the way we want. Jen thinks that I hate this house but I really love it, there are so many possibilities for us to do stuff with it. It reminds me of the house I grew up in up in New Hampshire. I have a lot of great memories from that house. The only thing I wish we truly had was a garage but I have plans to build a small workshop/barn in the backyard. Well I have to go for now and try to rest. I do get somewhat tired after a bit. I guess it's my body healing up.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Update
Well the CS hearing is over and I won and now all there is to do is wait until Tennessee gets off their asses and get everything filed and done with.
On the subject of Jen and I, things are going great with a couple of hiccups. I wish I could make her understand how I feel about her and how deep my love for her is. She has this idea that before her all I did was have sex and run around. When in fact that is far from the case. I told her about my past and everything that I have done and looking back I think I should have not told her anything about it but I didn't want our relationship to have secrets about each other. I wanted us to be upfront with each other from the getgo. Something I have never ever done before. I share everything with Jen. She has all my logons to everything and I hide nothing from her. In the past I never gave anyone my passwords or gave them unrestricted access to my stuff. Jen has unrestricted access to everything. I love her sooo much that it isn't funny. I wish I knew of a way to make her understand and see. Oh well it's because I'm a guy that I don't understand, in fact it's because I'm an over the hill guy who doesn't understand which makes things difficult.
On the subject of Jen and I, things are going great with a couple of hiccups. I wish I could make her understand how I feel about her and how deep my love for her is. She has this idea that before her all I did was have sex and run around. When in fact that is far from the case. I told her about my past and everything that I have done and looking back I think I should have not told her anything about it but I didn't want our relationship to have secrets about each other. I wanted us to be upfront with each other from the getgo. Something I have never ever done before. I share everything with Jen. She has all my logons to everything and I hide nothing from her. In the past I never gave anyone my passwords or gave them unrestricted access to my stuff. Jen has unrestricted access to everything. I love her sooo much that it isn't funny. I wish I knew of a way to make her understand and see. Oh well it's because I'm a guy that I don't understand, in fact it's because I'm an over the hill guy who doesn't understand which makes things difficult.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
A Saturday
Well here I sit at home alone while Jen and T head off to the Mother/Son dance at school. Lately I've been thinking about the past a lot. Mostly around the time I went into the Navy and how my life has transpired and things I've done and people I've known. I feel cheated about most of it. I wish it would have been Jen that shared all those years with me and was with me when things were up and down. As Jen and I progress through our live together I keep wondering how she would have acted given some of the situations of my life. I have never felt closer to anyone in my entire life. Even my own family I have never felt close to, not even growing up did I feel close to them. I always felt like an outsider and that I didn't really belong. The other day I was watching Top Gun and a lot of the scenes of the movie were filmed on a base that I spent my first years in the Navy on remember how when I graduated from boot camp or any of the other schools I completed I never had anyone from my family there. Even when my ship was commissioned (USS Harry S. Truman) nobody was there. I was married to DB at the time and she gave some excuse about being stuck in traffic and never made it to the ceremony. How typical of her. Nobody that I have ever been with has been excited about me in any way. Later on in life whenever I came home from work or was gone 2 weeks for school for work or even when I would return after a weekend of Seabee stuff would anyone greet me at the door and give me a hug and kiss and say "I'm glad you're home" Now here we are many years later in my life and hell I'm only gone to work for 6 hours and Jen and can't wait to greet me at the door with a hug and kiss or sometimes she comes out to the car and gives me a hug and kiss. Yesterday I came home and I could here Tristin yell "Keith's home yeah". When I was in Virginia my own kids were never happy when I would come home (Matt was Tristin's age now). I never got hugs and kisses from them or anything. I hear from Tristin all the time how much he loves me and misses me and I he hugs me all the time. I'm closer to Tristin that I have ever been to any kid before. I love him and Jen more than they will ever or could possibly know. I wish Tristin were actually my son instead of having a different father than me. I hope that someday I can adopt him and he will then have my last name and truly be a part of me.
I hope Jen and T know how much they mean to me and how they have really changed my life for the better. I was a pretty sad and unhappy individual before them. I was just counting days until I didn't know what and spending more and more time alone and away from home whenever possible. Now all I want to do is be at home and spend time with them and live my life with them. I hoping someday I can give Jen all that she wants and desires in this world. I have never felt closer to anyone ever, hell we even have the same thoughts at the same time so often it's scary. I wish I could have been with her and married to her all those years ago but I fear I wasn't ready for her. I think that I needed to be forged on the anvil of life to appreciate her and Tristin. It has taken me 45 years to find that one special person I know I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.
I mourn for my wasted youth and took for granted life but looking back I made a lot of huge costly and bad mistakes. I'm hoping that I have enough life left so that Jen and I can make up for them. I wish Jen would have been part of my youth back then but God knew that wouldn't have worked and we probably wouldn't have stayed together. How Jen and I met was so completely by accident and so far out in left field and then for us to come together and get married and succeed as a couple like we do is so far out that it's scary. In my life I have many, many, many regrets, when it comes to leaving Tracy and moving to Florida and being with and marrying Jen I have none at all and would do it in a heartbeat. She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. She has given my life purpose and restored my faith in love. She is my soulmate and above all a very special person who deserves the best in life. Jen I love you.
I hope Jen and T know how much they mean to me and how they have really changed my life for the better. I was a pretty sad and unhappy individual before them. I was just counting days until I didn't know what and spending more and more time alone and away from home whenever possible. Now all I want to do is be at home and spend time with them and live my life with them. I hoping someday I can give Jen all that she wants and desires in this world. I have never felt closer to anyone ever, hell we even have the same thoughts at the same time so often it's scary. I wish I could have been with her and married to her all those years ago but I fear I wasn't ready for her. I think that I needed to be forged on the anvil of life to appreciate her and Tristin. It has taken me 45 years to find that one special person I know I was meant to be with for the rest of my life.
I mourn for my wasted youth and took for granted life but looking back I made a lot of huge costly and bad mistakes. I'm hoping that I have enough life left so that Jen and I can make up for them. I wish Jen would have been part of my youth back then but God knew that wouldn't have worked and we probably wouldn't have stayed together. How Jen and I met was so completely by accident and so far out in left field and then for us to come together and get married and succeed as a couple like we do is so far out that it's scary. In my life I have many, many, many regrets, when it comes to leaving Tracy and moving to Florida and being with and marrying Jen I have none at all and would do it in a heartbeat. She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. She has given my life purpose and restored my faith in love. She is my soulmate and above all a very special person who deserves the best in life. Jen I love you.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Feelings
Well today here I sit with a lot on my mind. On May 18th I have a phone conference hearing about my child support. I have mixed feelings that this will go my way. I would like to think that someday I will catch a break and I can have my life. Of course with so much on my mind I haven't been myself lately and this too is weighing on Jen. She thinks I am unhappy with her which I am most definitely not. She also has this opinion that because we don't make love every day or every couple of days and I don't get hard in a second I'm not interested in her. Well I am interested in her but how do I explain to her that I'm not the sex demon she thinks I am. Truth in fact I love making love to her and don't want to make love to anyone else nor do I want anyone else sexually, I just want her. I just love the closeness of holding each other and being able to be in bed and cuddle and fondle without the expectation that it has to turn into sex. I'm not some young horny toad that gets hard when the wind blows or every nano second. I love Jen with all my heart and soul and everything that I am. I wish that I could get her to see that. What I see/want in people is different than what most people see. They only see what is on the surface, I look at what is down deep, what makes up a person so to speak. Well hopefully someday I will be able to get her to understand. Well I must go for now and check on the laundry.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Lonliness
Well here we are again. Things had started to get better but then they took a real downward swing over the past few days. Of course the topic of CS is what is driving a wedge between us. Jen thinks that I don't care but I really do I am just a little slower and don't really show a lot of emotion on this topic as I have been dealing with it for over 10 years. This past weekend we went to her cousins daughter's birthday and walking around their house again she puts down her own house and is embarrassed by it. I keep trying to tell her that the house has had no work done to it in over 10 years and is overdue. However until CS is done it's a little hard to get stuff done around here.
Jen has some notion that if I don't make love to her every second then I don't love her and want her. How can I make her understand that is not the case. I love her and want her all the time however life gets in the way. I feel like one of those couples that is trying to have a baby and am under pressure to perform or else. The other topic that keeps coming up is my past. She seems to think that I have been with hundreds of woman and couldn't possibly want her. How do I make her understand that I have only been with maybe 8 women in my life. I'm not this guy that women go ooohh and ahhh over. Frankly I'm surprised that Jen likes me at all. Lately I feel like I'm the only one that is married and Jen doesn't really want to be married to me. I keep getting the feeling that Jen wishes that I would just go away. It's like when I was married to DB. That is the way I felt like I was unwanted and was intruding. I don't want to lose Jen for is that happened I'm pretty sure my heart and soul would be broken forever and would never be able to fixed. I love jen so bad that it hurts and when I feel her wrap her arms around me or just touch me I feel all warm inside. Without her I'm nothing and just passing the time away. I wish I could make her understand how I feel and what I feel. She keeps reading about and hearing about all these guys that cheat on their wives/girlfriends. Her cousins husband was just found out to be having an affair with a woman over 20 years his senior. Now he's moved on to some young chick. I keep telling Jen that to me marriage means something but she just keeps putting it down to all it is is a piece of paper with no real meaning. This really hurts me to think that marrying me was really no big deal and that someday she will be gone and toss me to the curb like an empty beer can like others have done. I'm in a house with people and yet I feel like an outsider and sort of in the way and not really part of anything. I'm not sure if anybody would really miss me if I were to die today. Certainly not my kids nor my family, not sure anyone would really care.
A couple of weeks ago Jen and I watched P.S. I love you and at the time felt totally heart broken if I were to die and see what Jen would go through, but now I'm not sure. I would probably be forgotten in about a 3 weeks. The thought of it really makes me sad and makes me want to cry for I'm just not that memorable to people. I keep trying to get the life I want but it always falls short. I thought I had found it with Jen but lately I'm not so sure. Our anniversary is coming up and she isn't the slightest bit excited about it. All she can say is why bother since my husband doesn't want me. I keep telling her that I do want her but she doesn't listen.
I'm trying my best to be a good husband and father but fear I'm just making things worse and one day Jen is going to wake up and say she wants out and for me to leave forever. which of course will devastate me. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. I wish I knew how. Well it's time for me to go and finish getting ready for work. Another sad day at work wishing all would work out so I could have the love of my life back again.
Jen has some notion that if I don't make love to her every second then I don't love her and want her. How can I make her understand that is not the case. I love her and want her all the time however life gets in the way. I feel like one of those couples that is trying to have a baby and am under pressure to perform or else. The other topic that keeps coming up is my past. She seems to think that I have been with hundreds of woman and couldn't possibly want her. How do I make her understand that I have only been with maybe 8 women in my life. I'm not this guy that women go ooohh and ahhh over. Frankly I'm surprised that Jen likes me at all. Lately I feel like I'm the only one that is married and Jen doesn't really want to be married to me. I keep getting the feeling that Jen wishes that I would just go away. It's like when I was married to DB. That is the way I felt like I was unwanted and was intruding. I don't want to lose Jen for is that happened I'm pretty sure my heart and soul would be broken forever and would never be able to fixed. I love jen so bad that it hurts and when I feel her wrap her arms around me or just touch me I feel all warm inside. Without her I'm nothing and just passing the time away. I wish I could make her understand how I feel and what I feel. She keeps reading about and hearing about all these guys that cheat on their wives/girlfriends. Her cousins husband was just found out to be having an affair with a woman over 20 years his senior. Now he's moved on to some young chick. I keep telling Jen that to me marriage means something but she just keeps putting it down to all it is is a piece of paper with no real meaning. This really hurts me to think that marrying me was really no big deal and that someday she will be gone and toss me to the curb like an empty beer can like others have done. I'm in a house with people and yet I feel like an outsider and sort of in the way and not really part of anything. I'm not sure if anybody would really miss me if I were to die today. Certainly not my kids nor my family, not sure anyone would really care.
A couple of weeks ago Jen and I watched P.S. I love you and at the time felt totally heart broken if I were to die and see what Jen would go through, but now I'm not sure. I would probably be forgotten in about a 3 weeks. The thought of it really makes me sad and makes me want to cry for I'm just not that memorable to people. I keep trying to get the life I want but it always falls short. I thought I had found it with Jen but lately I'm not so sure. Our anniversary is coming up and she isn't the slightest bit excited about it. All she can say is why bother since my husband doesn't want me. I keep telling her that I do want her but she doesn't listen.
I'm trying my best to be a good husband and father but fear I'm just making things worse and one day Jen is going to wake up and say she wants out and for me to leave forever. which of course will devastate me. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling. I wish I knew how. Well it's time for me to go and finish getting ready for work. Another sad day at work wishing all would work out so I could have the love of my life back again.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Mom
Well it's been just about 2 years since I have heard from my mother and the other day I receive a "thinking of you" card from her. There were no handwritten words in it, just her signature. I have thought alot about this card in the days since receiving it and I'm not sure it was sent by her own accord. I think that my brother has really been putting pressure on her to mend the gap between us. I did send her a card today and in it I pretty much spelled out that I want Jen and Tristin accepted with open arms into the family. I don't think they will accept anybody right now or ever. Jen thinks it's her but in reality it doesn't matter who I was with it would have been the same outcome. Nobody in my family ever took the time to see how miserable I was or even asked how things are. After moving back to NH after being gone for about 16 years do you think that anyone of them would have said hey come over and let's catch up on what's new and just get together as brother and sister or brother and brother? Nope not at all. On my brother's account I don't hold anything against him as he has his hands full enough with my sister in law.
My whole life I have been like an outsider to them. Never really accepted or encouraged in anything I did.The only thing I did that my mom was proud of was join the Navy. Other than that I've been like the black sheep of the family. After and during my divorce did anyone ever call me up and ask how things were going and is there anything that they could do? Nope. It always has seemed to me that I was only around so that I could do things for them and when I'm not able to I pretty much get left out and ignored just like when I left home to join the Navy. I didn't receive any birthday cards, father's day cards, Christmas cards or such on any of those holidays while I was underway and on deployment. Hell I don't even nor have I ever gotten them from my own kids.
Until I met Jen and moved here with her did I get those types of cards and have that loving family type harmony that I have been longing for. Hell even her mom has accepted me into the family and she is the one person that has the greatest right to hate and resent me. It sucks going through life and having a family that you don't belong to and really doesn't give a rat's butt on whether you live or die and could really care less either way. Yet I'm supposed to be the forgiving one? My own niece wouldn't confirm me as a friend on FB until I called her out on it. She had accepted many other friend requests before I finally told her that if she didn't want to be a friend then just tell me so I could delete the request. I'm not so quick to run to them and forgive them this time. There was no reason for their behavior at all other than their own selfishness and pettiness .
I have the greatest most loving wife a man could ask for in the whole world. Her son Tristin is like my own and I love him more than my own kids. I enjoy and cherish each and every moment with them. I especially love the things we do together like going to the beach, the zoo, or just about anything we do together. Jen has really changed my life for the better and given me the life and love I thought only existed in the movies. The other day we watched P.S. I Love You and it was such a sad movie that I was crying through it as well because the thought of losing Jen is just more than I could ever handle. I would be devastated beyond all reason. If not for Tristin I would make sure I went with her just so I wouldn't have to be without my best friend and love of my life and keeper of my soul. Jen is everything to me more than she will ever know.
My whole life I have been like an outsider to them. Never really accepted or encouraged in anything I did.The only thing I did that my mom was proud of was join the Navy. Other than that I've been like the black sheep of the family. After and during my divorce did anyone ever call me up and ask how things were going and is there anything that they could do? Nope. It always has seemed to me that I was only around so that I could do things for them and when I'm not able to I pretty much get left out and ignored just like when I left home to join the Navy. I didn't receive any birthday cards, father's day cards, Christmas cards or such on any of those holidays while I was underway and on deployment. Hell I don't even nor have I ever gotten them from my own kids.
Until I met Jen and moved here with her did I get those types of cards and have that loving family type harmony that I have been longing for. Hell even her mom has accepted me into the family and she is the one person that has the greatest right to hate and resent me. It sucks going through life and having a family that you don't belong to and really doesn't give a rat's butt on whether you live or die and could really care less either way. Yet I'm supposed to be the forgiving one? My own niece wouldn't confirm me as a friend on FB until I called her out on it. She had accepted many other friend requests before I finally told her that if she didn't want to be a friend then just tell me so I could delete the request. I'm not so quick to run to them and forgive them this time. There was no reason for their behavior at all other than their own selfishness and pettiness .
I have the greatest most loving wife a man could ask for in the whole world. Her son Tristin is like my own and I love him more than my own kids. I enjoy and cherish each and every moment with them. I especially love the things we do together like going to the beach, the zoo, or just about anything we do together. Jen has really changed my life for the better and given me the life and love I thought only existed in the movies. The other day we watched P.S. I Love You and it was such a sad movie that I was crying through it as well because the thought of losing Jen is just more than I could ever handle. I would be devastated beyond all reason. If not for Tristin I would make sure I went with her just so I wouldn't have to be without my best friend and love of my life and keeper of my soul. Jen is everything to me more than she will ever know.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Lost
Well today is yet another day. I am feeling overwhelmed today. Jen is very sick and I'm sure I'm catching it. I am trying to balance work and do as much as I can around the house so that Jen doesn't have to. However I feel like I'm failing at that task as I seem to be screwing up at work and not getting everything done around here. I ache all over and my chest has been hurting for about a week now. Not sure what is up with that, and I feel very weak and really have no energy to anything.
I am soooo worried about this child support stuff and hope that all goes well for me but I just don't know. On paper it looks good but my gut tells me that it's going to get ugly.
I really need some balance in my life and work. I hate that I feel like every thing I do at work is being scrutinized and there are people just waiting for me to screw up so that they can blast me. There doesn't seem to be a way that I can make it go right. It feels like for every good day there are 5 bad ones to go with it. I wish that I could find another job that would get out from under this type of scrutiny. I liked it better when I worked in Ocala and there wasn't anybody really caring what I did. Don't get me wrong, I did my job but I feel like my "teammates" don't like me and are just lying in wait for me. I'm hoping that once my CS is done with I can get away from this company and get a job that I actually like and is strictly 9-5 so to speak.
I am soooo worried about this child support stuff and hope that all goes well for me but I just don't know. On paper it looks good but my gut tells me that it's going to get ugly.
I really need some balance in my life and work. I hate that I feel like every thing I do at work is being scrutinized and there are people just waiting for me to screw up so that they can blast me. There doesn't seem to be a way that I can make it go right. It feels like for every good day there are 5 bad ones to go with it. I wish that I could find another job that would get out from under this type of scrutiny. I liked it better when I worked in Ocala and there wasn't anybody really caring what I did. Don't get me wrong, I did my job but I feel like my "teammates" don't like me and are just lying in wait for me. I'm hoping that once my CS is done with I can get away from this company and get a job that I actually like and is strictly 9-5 so to speak.
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